Count it all Joy

I believe it's in James where the Bible tells us to count it all joy when you encounter various trials. The testing of your faith produces endurance. I left work early today because I just couldn't take any more pressure, you see, I'm in about 3 different trials and just when I thought the waters were about to settle, BOOM, out of nowhere a phone call comes and my day is ruined and I am reduced to tears literally in front of an entire office of people. I don't feel very joyful right now. The only good part that I can see at this moment, is that I'm able to sit outside on a very peaceful deck and write out what I'm feeling and going through. God, Thank you for providing a peaceful place. The amazing thing is that I'm watching my husband go through it all as well, but f.or some reason, it's not seeming to scar him up too much. How does he do that?
I think I've come to one conclusion and that's the fact that I've not made any time to really pray and seek the Lord. He's constantly in the word because that's part of his job. He's writing new material all the time and is learning more and more about the Bible, me... I'm too busy planning music and services and all the logistics that go along with what the preacher has to say. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do.... more than any other job I've had, but this job comes with a cost. The one thing that I know is that Satan is doing his very best to try and keep me distracted. So as for the drama today...We're all in money crunch time with gas prices and food cost on the rise, it's hard to trust God. In an effort to have a better living situation for my family, we moved to a new house 2 weeks ago. The landlady at the old house was crazy and hard to live with I did everything I knew to do including fix things in the house that were not done prior to us living there four years ago. I was so proud of my efforts and I just knew I would get my money back. Instead, I got the call of a screaming voice and now the voice in my head.... You will NEVER get out of renting. You are stuck for the rest of your life. I know it's a lie, but it's SO loud in my head right now. I am never good enough. I'm always going to dissapoint people even though I practically kill myself trying to make everyone happy. I'm never going to get to a place where I have enough money. As of yesterday, my phone was shut off because I couldn't pay that bill, I owe for my current rent payment and I have to choose. I just threw a beautiful wedding for my mother this past weekend... don't even get me started there. I just don't know what God is trying to teach me right now. I don't know how we're going to eat this month. I just feel sick and wish so badly that I had more faith than I do at this moment. I just feel like a beat up soldier waving the white flag that I can barely hold in my hand because I'm so very broken right now. In the meantime, I'm just going to HOPE that something good is coming my way. That God will increase my strength to get through it despite how I feel right now. Today, I walked into my husband's office where he was playing video from Winter Retreat of this past year and there I was singing with my friend Mike on the screen and I broke. I don't know why, I just did as I am once again at the memory of my day right now. Pray for me.