Christmas Eve

I call this Christmas Eve because I haven't gone to bed yet. It is officially Christmas day. Merry Christmas everyone! I have sooo many different emotions tonight. I'm looking at my tree and BLOWN away by the amount of gifts under the tree. Just yesterday I was in tears because I couldn't afford Christmas this year. This morning a beautiful little elf left my car full of Christmas gifts for me and the girls. Amazing! I'm very excited for tomorrow morning to see what we all have gotten. How is it that I even question God?? He is faithful..faithful..and then faithful some more! But then I have these moments of sadness that overwhelm me. I long to be held and yet I can sense in my soul that He is holding me, telling me to hold steady. Breathe. You're making it through. I got a text message tonight..CHRISTMAS EVE..from my husband. I am meeting him on Sunday afternoon to let him have the girls for the week. Here is the deal..He wants to bring the woman that he left me for to meet me! I now have to process all of these new emotions and feelings..why are people so cruel? OMG!! I am like the nicest person on the face of the earth and it's like..they long to laugh at me. I'm just a big joke. 13 years I gave to this man never ever would I ever leave him. He is OBLIVIOUS to the pain that he has caused me. YET..I'm clinging to my HOPE tonight. The hope of GOD WITH US. Emmanuel. I know He is here. I know it because I'm looking at my tree tonight and the amount of gifts underneath it and I did not pay for one thing under that tree.
Despite what is done to me.. I'm choosing to forgive. I want to be a light to this dark world..I will continue to shine through those clouds. I've said it before, but the most beautiful sunsets are the ones after a storm with clouds still in the sky.
I'm soo thankful for a God who understands the pain of rejection. My situation is NOTHING compared to what He went through! I'm looking forward to 2010. I'm praying for a much better year!
In the meantime...Merry Christmas. May you experience Emmanuel..God with us today!
You are loved!
Christy

The Love Box

A couple of weeks ago, I recieved a gift that has begun to change the mood within my home. This little gift has become an amazing source of encouragement to my girls and me. It's called the love box. It's a little 3x5 inch size brass box filled with brightly colored papers all empty. What we are suppose to do, on a daily basis, is to take one of the papers out and write a love note to each other and then leave it for them to find. So far, I have found love notes on top of my lunch, in drawers, underneath my pillow, on the computer, in the car. It's become a little game, AND, I'm watching my girls begin to encourage each other with their notes of love to each other. Once we find the notes, we put them back into the box so we can read them later. In just a two week period, it has become one of the most cherished gifts that I have ever been given...if we ever have a fire, I'm grabbin that box! My girls have been able to share their deepest emotions to me on these papers. I'm literally choking back tears as i even think about some of the things that they have shared with me. Just a couple of nights ago, I got one from Chloe. Chloe is sooo very near to my heart. She has always been a very deep "feeler" personality..much like myself. When I am down, it's Chloe that gets real close to me physically. She is constantly hugging me and loving on me... she is beautiful.
Here is what my love note from Chloe said..
Dear Mommy.

Today I love you because of your smile. Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful smile in the world? If nobody has...you can change that answer because I'm saying it now. I love you. Chloe

Just a few short weeks ago- right before Thanksgiving, I was leading worship. While I was on stage, the Holy Spirit fell heavily on me. I got lost absolutely lost in worship to the Creator of the Universe. As I sang, I felt God speak to me. He said.. "This will be a season of joy for you" and then I got the words in my head... Tis the season to be jolly...lol. Remember... I'm singing in front of a bunch of people...leading them into His presence.. and He's talkin to me here...He's so like that!

I have been a little bit worried about going into this holiday season. It's the first one as a single woman. The first in 13 years. However, joy is my thing! I'm happy go lucky. I'm joyful. I have every reason to be joyful and yet... I have this weird sadness in my heart. It's normal. I'm totally human so I won't pretend that I don't have pain. I do! BUT... I have a God who turns my mourning into dancing and lifts my sorrow! He knows that joy is my thing. He is a God who gives GOOD gifts to His children. And by His prompting the love box came from someone who is sooo intimately in love with Him as well. God knew what would happen in my home as we began to love one another and encourage one another with words of affirmation.
God has also given us a love box. It's called His word- THE BIBLE. Open it up at any time and you will find love letters to His children all through it. You will find encouragement and hope. It's LIVING! No matter what you are going through, you can open up the pages and find life, HOPE, and love that will never be quenched. He is insanely in love with you! Can I just encourage you to make your own love box this Christmas. Give it as a gift to someone you love. It's very simple and life changing. No diamond can compare to it's power!
MERRY CHRISTMAS! SMILE;)
Christy

Rounding the corner

On November 8th I got the absolute priviledge of attending a worship conference located in Virginia Beach. There were 7 of us from the church that went. I had no idea what God was about to do in my life. There were a couple of significant things going on that week for me.. Monday was the start of my final training week for the half marathon. I had worked for months to reach the goal of running that long distance and I had come to the end of the road. We arrived at the conference on Monday morning and I was immediately blown away by the worship that was happening in that place. BEAUTIFUL! Worship lasted for about an hour and as we sang, I felt the Lord speak to me... this will not only be a place of learning for you, but I am about to do a deeper healing in you as well. At 4:00pm, we all gathered in the main auditorium and were told that we were to get alone with God. I immediately took out my pen and paper and began to write. I knew that this would be an appointment with God that I would not soon forget. On the previous Thursday, I had a counselling appointment. Anger has been an emotion that I tend to avoid. I don't like it, but I have been angry for months now. My counselor wanted me to give my anger a voice. Tell God what you are angry about. He wants to take it from you. As I sat alone with God, quiet music was playing..I began to write it all out. Tears were flowing. I was letting it go..FINALLY. Once I was finished I told God that as mad as I had been, I was glad that I belonged to Him. That I was not alone. I began to pray for my girls at that point. God reminded me of scripture that He gave me months before from Isaiah 54. "Great will be the peace of your children, your children will be taught by the Lord". Almost immediately, one of the worship leaders said... "I need to share a vision that I am getting... There is a little girl in a window. She has long blonde hair..she is wondering where her daddy has gone." Everything in me broke. Someone began to sing.. You are not abandoned.. you are not alone. I let everything go and then I did something that I haven't done since my husband left on March 1st. I gave Jesus my heart. I have been holding onto it for months. Yes, I have allowed God to lead and guide me through this time, but I have been protecting my heart...afraid to even trust God with it. It now COMPLETELY belonged to Him.
Once that hour was up, I felt lighter than I had in months! I felt a freedom. WOW. The next morning, I went down to the beach for my final training run. Just a short 3 miles. It was 6am. The sun was just coming up. I ran with a new freedom. I ran beside the ocean... I ran at sunrise. A new day. A GOD moment. I'm making it through this pain.. with JOY. This joy that can only be experienced when you know the God of the Universe in an intimate way.
I went home from that trip with a new excitement! I have rounded the corner. I feel like something new is happening in my life. I'm being challenged in new ways. I can't wait to see what He does next. Every day is new. Every day is different. Every day is HIS.
What about You? Have you given Him your heart lately? Not just a piece here and there, but ALL of it? There is a God who is crazy in love with You. He wants to reveal Himself to you. Will you let him?

You are loved.

Assignment of Love

One thing I know is that it was bound to happen...the girls are entering puberty and with that comes DRAMA!! This weekend was a weekend of that for sure! As soon as Sunday morning was here my girls were literally tearing each other apart which was tearing me apart. I was frazzled to say the least and didn't know what in the world I was gonna do?! Ironically..the message at church was on Living Large... LARGER PEACE. I knew that I needed to hear that message , but I'll be completely honest.. I don't have alot of peace right now. There are so many distractions in my world. Let's face it..single parenting is NOT easy. It's not easy living here in this world with no immediate family around. I can't just drop the kids off at their dad's house. He lives 7 hours away. Honestly...it's wearing on me. I'm tired. I sometimes want to run away far away from here, from the kids, from my job, from everything. Maybe I will have those moments. In the meantime, I am asking God for strength.
Sooo...as the Sunday kept on, the girls continued to fight. Not to mention the whining. UGH...By 4:00pm.. I had had ENOUGH! I told my girls.. you have an assignment due at 8pm. You are to write a letter to each other...200 words. You are to tell each other in your letter how much you love each other. You are to say everything positive. Emme fell apart! lol...

Here is Emme's letter...
I love you Mommy and Chloe. Mommy, you first. I love how you are a funny and loving mom. Do not worry, this has 100 words about Chloe and 100 words about you. Please do not come to me saying this is unacceptable cause I love you too and you will make me cry. (I'm laughing here) You are so pretty mommy and I cannot believe how good a runner you are. Ten miles is amazing. I cannot believe you are doing 11 miles next weekend. You are the most beautiful person in the world except for Jesus. Jesus is soooo beautiful even though I have not seen him. I am sure of it Mommy. (now I'm crying!!!) You have a very pretty singing voice. I love you.
Now for Chloe. You are a good ice skater. You are about as good as me. Actually we ice skate the same. You are goot at gymnastics too. Although you can't do a back bend kick over..I can't do a cartwheel so we are even. You are wonderful at social studies. Also you play rock band good. You have always been taller than me and I pretty much consider that lucky. You are a wonderful sister, love Emme. (I made her write more)
Plus..you are fun to play games with and word games with. You give me company when I am bored and even though we get mad at each other we always make up so thank you. You are an awesome sister. Love Emme

LOL... I loved it!
There was peace in my home for the rest of the evening. We had a beautiful start to today as well..no drama.
I had posted the assignment on facebook as my status update. I got lots of encouragement from my peeps that I had done the right thing by making them do that assignment. I did have one really great friend who sent me a message in my inbox. This friend said to me... you should take heed in your own words and write a 200 words on why you love yourself and why you are worth someone's love. I'm tearing up even as I type those words. This friend knows that I have been struggling with that concept. I think most of my friends know that I do. It seems that I have sooo many victories and yet soo many days when it's hard to love me or believe that I'm worth someone's love. Today however I am choosing to believe that I am worth loving. Not because of what I do..just because I am. I want my girls to believe that as well for themselves.
This is not easy. But I'm not giving up anytime soon!

You are loved today just because you are.

Jealousy

For months now I've been drawn to a song that I heard quite a while back. It's called How He Loves.
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane I am a tree
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When ALL of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me
And OH How He loves us so.. Oh how He loves us...How He loves us SO
We are His portion and He is our prize drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
if grace is an ocean... we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way
He loves us OH how He loves us..Oh how He loves us Oh how He loves

This past week our pastor preached a message on jealousy. He touched on the negative parts of jealousy first.. the parts that tend to chain us up when we allow it into our lives, but then the message turned.
He began to talk about a God who is very jealous for us. in fact in Exodus 34:14 it says..Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.
He is jealous for us. He sooo longs for us to be focused completely on Him. The thing is, when we do...life is soo much easier. I mean...sooo much more happiness...sooo much more peace.
For the past several weeks I have begun to allow distractions in my life. It's completely my own fault. Out of my own desperation for that tangible love... I allow others to take the place in my heart that really belongs to HIM ultimately. And you know what I LOVE sooo much?? He doesn't allow me to stray off the path too far. Like a sheep that is about to go over the cliff because he is too close to the edge...MY SHEPHERD guides me back to a safe place again.
How beautiful it is that I have a God who longs to be with me. As much as I want to have a man in my life...a physical partner...I have a God who will treat me better than ANY man ever will....and he won't leave the toilet seat up. lol.

You are HIS favorite!

Time to get really real with myself.

Every day is different in my world right now. I believe that I've said that a few times already. This really is kinda cool to watch God peel the layers of my life away and uncover more and more of who Christy is.

Ok, so a couple of blogss ago, I said to say goodbye to the dumb blonde. Well.... I think part of her is gonna be here to stay... it's just who I am, and you know what?? I'm glad because it's the part of me that makes me laugh and makes others laugh too. Precisely a week ago today, I broke down on the interstate with a car full of groceries and tween girls. I had a ton of people come to my rescue.. no suprise there. I definitely got peeps! LOL.. sooo, my boss had my car towed to the church and then on Monday morning, a wonderful man in our church had the car towed to his shop. Three days later, car is all fixed and my boss went to pick it up for me. When he got back, he wanted to share the news with me of what was wrong with my car. He gathered several people around and proceeded to tell me...Christy...you were out of gas!!!! Giggle. Dear Lord... I really was NOT meant to be alone in this world. Please don't make me wait too long for my help mate cause obviously... I NEED HELP!! Seriously... alot of people got a good laugh and you know what?? I'm glad.

On Wednesday morning I went out to run 5 miles. As I ran in the extreme humidity, I listened to my ipod. The beat of the music helps set my pace. As I got to about mile number 4, the ipod died. UGH.. now I'm forced to think. As I ran, I prayed for some people and then I thought about me. I decided to take a good hard look at myself. Here's what I asked myself.
Christy.. why do you feel it's so important to tell everyone how far you are running? Why do you feel the need to brag about it so badly? Here's why. I'm a master manipulator. I post a status update to impress people. I have needed people's approval of me for sooo long now that it's been feeding that part of me that was allowing people to fill a void in me that only GOD can fill. It goes all the way back to when I was a child. A mother who left when I was 12. Never feeling like I totally had her approval my whole life. I have been loving hearing how impressed everyone is with me. I have been craving it. It's been feeding my pride and it's time to stop that behavior. I no longer want people's approval of me. I am falling in love with Christ in Christy and I'm becoming more and more free. I'm am in need of people's approval less and less. Yes.. I will always be Christy..FABULOUS one. I love being a girly girl. I love feeling pretty and cute and silly and fun, but I don't NEED you to tell me what you think of me anymore. I will always love to get compliments.. who doesn't, but I've decided to begin to believe what God says about me. God is changing me..this is not an easy road that I'm walking, but WOW...I like what is happening to me. I feel like I'm becoming more in control of my life.
The world does not revolve around me. I want to live my life in such a way that you get blessed when I pass you by because God is bubbling out of me.
So my question to you tonight is this...is there something deep inside of you that you need to be real about? Is there something in your life that you keep filling with everything else but Jesus even though that hole you keep filling with those other things..belongs to Him?? It's time to get real and get free. Believe me... it's the MOST amazing feeling in the world!

Put your hand on your chest and feel your heart beat and know that the God of the UNIVERSE is allowing that to happen and wants you to know that HIS father heart is beatting for you.

He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you...because that is what He is like.

Game Show Living...

Ok, so not too long ago I had a friend that made me laugh soooo hard. One night this friend of mine said to me.. You know Christy... I'm watching your life and it's like you have just won all the prizes at the end of a tv gameshow. And God says in His announcer voice... "tell her what she's won Jesus" and Jesus says (in His announcer voice) well Christy, for living the faithfilled life, You're gonna get that townhouse you were praying for.. you're gonna get 17 people to come to your house on a Sunday night and pack your entire house and ALL in less than two hours. You're gonna get 16 big strong men to help you move and a FREE moving truck. You're gonna get a FREE trip to sunny St. Augustine Florida and did I mention....the best lawyers in Richmond.. PROBONO? But that's not all Christy...you're gonna get to work with a bunch of people who are crazy about you and who will lift you up in prayer when you are hurting. You're gonna have more friends than you know what to do with... all for living a FAITH filled life.
I wish you could have heard my friend in his announcers voice... LOL... so funny! Ever since that conversation, I have equated all the blessings from God as "FABULOUS prizes" at the end of a gameshow. When we choose to walk the right path, it's unbelievable what God will do for us. He will blow our minds with how He provides for our every need...even when we don't know what it is that we need.
Sooo that conversation with my friend was a couple of months ago. And just today I had another one of those Game Show Moments... today however, I'm pretty sure I won BOTH showcases.
Over the past two days, I've been quiet emotional. Part of it is my fear of not being provided for, part of it is emotional exhaustion..part of it is just needing a break from being a single parent and trying to entertain everyone all the time. Working full time and being a parent...the only one here is not an easy road, HOWEVER.. God is good and knows everything that we need.
On Saturday night, I told the girls that they could have a sleepover with a friend. We went and picked her up, went to the grocery store, and on the way home.. my car died on the Interstate. Well crap. The timing of this is TERRIBLE! I have no money right now. I have to pay rent on Friday.. we've been in a financial crunch for the past two months because of our circumstance and the warranty is now out on my car... UGH. I just switched to Geico... but didnt' get the roadside assistance. Sooo I'm on the side of the road. Within minutes..because of the people God has in my life... I had a ride to pick up the car that I would borrow for the next few days, my boss came and had my car towed to the church, we were fed a homecooked meal including birthday cake..that was delicious, and I got to see my sweet friend Penny who I hadn't seen in months.
That very night though.. I was tempted with something. I was faced with a choice. I knew what the RIGHT thing to do was, YET... I WANTED this thing soooo badly. I won't go into the details.. just know, I shed ALOT of tears over it and I chose to do the RIGHT thing. In fact by Monday night.. I had shared every detail with an accountability partner of mine. I sobbed and sobbed and last night.. I gave it entirely to Jesus. Even this morning.. I cried all the way to work, partly because of me denying what I really wanted, partly because I saw pictures of the woman that I was left for, partly out of anger, partly out of fear of not having my needs met. Not to mention that Chloe was terrified of a cloud in the sky last night. Her anxiety is unbelievable at times. Just alot on me at once I guess- but it was no longer my problem.. it's HIS.
Here is what happened today.
Shortly after staff meeting, I was pulled aside by a beautiful older lady on staff. She said to me that she would like to help with school supplies for the girls.. WOW.. burden lifted on that one! That stuff can get expensive! Several hours later, I was told that my car was ready and fixed... no charge. I was also told that the towing was paid for as well... I got a check in the mail from my sweet dad who wanted to make sure we had food on the table. I got an email from my mother in law who wanted me to make sure I get what I need for the girls for school...clothes, shoes, all that stuff. THEN I went to dinner with some of the ladies from my church. Not only was our dinner paid for, but I was given a card. I opened it when I got home. In it was a check for $1000.00. SUDDENLY in ONE day... I don't have to worry about how it's gonna work.. God says "tell her what she's won Jesus" and in His announcer voice he says...You're gonna get a ride when your car breaks down.. you're gonna get your car towed for FREE.. you're gonna get a decent car to drive while your car is in the shop and your car will be fixed at NO Charge to you Christy... your kids will get all their school supplies that they need and you're gonna get enough money to pay all your bills.... all this for doing the right thing!
Let me just say this.. I have been tithing every single paycheck that I get. He get's the first part of it. Because of that very thing.. I have needed NOTHING. God just lays it on people's hearts. He provides. It's a promise to His kids and you can find it in Malachi 3:10.
Sooo I want to say to you... we all have choices in life. One choice will bring you freedom and the other misery and regret. When you do choose God's way and not your own.. you get "FABULOUS PRIZES". Not every blessing is financial like mine mostly was today. I think the bigger blessing in my day today was that I needed to know that God was there... that He was near to me... WOW did He ever prove Himself to me.
What about you? Do you have a choice to make to do the right thing or do what YOU want to do? Believe me.. doing it His way is sooooooo much better!

He is jealous for you and He wants to blow your mind with His insane love for you!!!
YOU are His FAVORITE!!

The Paul Syndrome

^{Romans 8:14-16}I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

^21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Can I just be completely honest for a minute? Since this whole - my husband left me thing happened I've had an inner struggle... well lots of them, but one in particular. Yes, I've struggled with my self worth and yes, God is working on me in that area. Here's the thing... when I was a teenager, I've said it before, I wasn't someone that anyone wanted to date. I was a great friend, but I was very overweight. I was the girl everyone wanted to be friends with, but I never had the opportunity to date. Just never happened. By the time my husband came along, I had kissed two guys. That's it. Five years ago, I lost the weight. I'm now in the best shape of my entire life. I'm training to run a half marathon (well... about to. I just injured my toe). Anyway.. I can run at least 4 miles at this point in time. I feel beautiful for the first time and now... I'm single. I'm getting attention from men for the first time in my life, BUT.. I'm still married and I need to wait until I am divorced. What really sucks is the fact that my husband went from his house to another woman's and I am left alone. Night after night. For 13 years, I had intimacy. We had a very healthy relationship. He doesn't have to miss out on affection. He is continuing on with someone in his life and I, who never chose this road, am FORCED to be alone. Can I just say.. this is HARD! Ok, so I am a leader in the church. I am very thankful for that. I have boundries put out there for me. To protect me. I'm thankful for those healthy boundries, but sometimes.. I WANT to be bad. I'm writing this right now because I have an opportunity to choose. I can choose to wait on God. Wait for HIS best for me, or I can choose to do my own thing. To live in the moment. To feed my flesh. To feel good for a moment, but be left with regret. UGH!!!!!! This isn't fair. Like I said. I didn't choose this road. He did.

My question to myself is what's the hurry? I think it's because I want to test drive my new body. I see how men respond to me. I won't lie... it feels awesome. It feels great to feel wanted and beautiful. I can look in the mirror and like what I see, but what is soooo important to me is that I respect myself. That I treat what God has given me (my body, soul, and spirit) as a prize. That I respect the man that God has for me in the future NOW, so that when I stand before him one day, I can say- I thought enough of you that I didn't ruin what God wants for the two of us by putting pictures in my head of other men that I had been with before you. My flesh has some MAJOR desires right now. But I love God within me enough to deny my flesh. To say yes to my spirit. I want to be able to stand up on Sunday morning and lead worship with my head held high knowing that God has called me to a higher place in Him and I am strong enough to deny myself and BE God's best for someone who deserves God's best as well. This is also for my two little girls. We had a talk about boys just last night. They are about to start middle school. We are going to discover boys together. LOL. I want to teach them to be God's best. I am bound and determined to break this cycle of divorce in my family. I was trying to with this marriage, but I didn't get any say so in the matter. I am going to try my best to teach my girls what respect of yourself looks like and the prize that we get in the end if we do. My hope is that they stay close to me during their teen years. That I model to them what being a Godly woman looks like. I'm crying as I write these words. I have a HUGE task before me. Raising two teenage girls to hopefully be in love with Jesus. God help me here!

What's your struggle? God can help you. He wants to show you that you are strong enough.
He never said it would be easy. He did say that you won't go this road alone.

He is insanely in love with you!!!!!! You're worth a TON!

Say goodbye to the dumb blonde

I am continuing to discover Christy. Just last week, I had some pretty big AhhhHaa moments. I've been processing through what I've realized and I'm now ready to write it down.
There have been moments along the way in this journey of mine that I have made some pretty "boneheaded" decisions.. That was the exact word from a very good friend of mine (and boss). He's like a brother to me and is trying to look out for my best interest. Anyway.... it was from this "boneheaded" decision that I made, that God decided to reveal the next thing to me that He wanted to show me. Many of you know me as happy-go-lucky. I am.. I enjoy a good time. I LOVE to laugh. And for years, I have been known as a dumb blonde. My husband used to love to laugh at my stupidity. Several weeks ago, I acted out in my dumb blonde fashion and got myself in a little bit of trouble. It was just a non thinking moment in time and I paid for it.
I've never really seen myself as very smart. I went to a small college, but I wasn't disciplined and I only made it through two years. I was only interested in singing. I wasn't ambitious at all. I eventually quit college and went to work full time as an optician. My mom left me and my dad and brother when i was 12 years old. My dad did the best he could with me. The best thing was that he kept me in church. Yes... I've been abandoned by people that I love- twice now. Life has not been easy for me, but I have a choice on how I will respond. I can choose to be bitter, OR I can be someone who walks in forgiveness. Sure it hurts, but I choose to be happy. I choose to be free. I choose to allow God to use the tragedies in my life for His good.
Anyway.. I was sharing my most recent "dumb blonde" moment with a friend. I was also sharing with her that sometimes I feel like I will never be more than "just a secretary". Ok... so let me just say this. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with that position. I mean.. goodness.. it is an INCREDIBLY important position, but I guess for years, I have had a desire to be more. For now though... I must embrace what i am. I am an assistant to worship ministries. I am ALSO a worship leader and I am INCREDIBLY lucky to get to do what I love to do, but I believe that God has more for me and it's time to stop seeing myself as a "dumb blonde" and take the steps to do what it is that God has ultimately called me to do. For two years now, I have been leading worship at my church- one of three campuses. Anyway.. in my band, I have a doctor, a lawyer, and the COO of a hospital. And God said to be their leader. UGH??!!! I have been completely intimidated by them. I'm a nobody. How do I lead them? They are all so smart. What I began to realize last week was that I CAN lead them. I know worship. I know what it looks like to connect with the God of the UNIVERSE. I mean.. that's kinda HUGE right? Being a leader means nothing more than influencing someone else. I think for the first time in my life, I realized that I am a leader. I can influence those around me to have a deeper walk with the Lord.
I suppose that I'm discovering that I am smart after all. There is a shift in my thinking. God wants me to see me as HE sees me. I can do ALL ALL ALL things through Christ..according to Phillipians 4:13. I am going to begin to believe God. What about you? How do you see yourself? Ask God today for His eyes for you. What is it that you don't think you can do? He wants you to discover more.
I'm sure that it may take a minute or two for me to get your joke at times... I won't lie... I'm slow at times. It just takes me longer to process what you've said. But I'm not a dumb blonde. In FACT... I'm a redhead. I have a blonde streak in my hair.. and THAT is from my hairdresser. LOL.

You are loved beyond measure by the creator of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!

Doris...a gift to me

One of the wonderful things that I have discovered along the way of this ridiculous journey of mine is the gift of new friends to me. There is a lady at my church. Her name is Doris and she is the GREATEST woman. This lady is no stranger to pain. She has allowed God to use her pain to love others along the way. She is someone who just simply puts others before herself.
She stepped into my life right after my husband left and has become a vital part of it! She has loved my girls and quickly become the favorite lady in their life. Let me just tell you a little of what she has done for us....
Knowing that I had band practice to get ready for worship each week, she would come to my house, bring dinner for the girls, and take care of them so I could focus on ministry. She did this every single week, and every night that I would come home, she would have laundry going, cleaned, and the girls would be in bed. She made my load soooo much lighter!
I had the very best mother's day this year than i ever ever have had because of this lady! Doris lives by the James River and she took my girls down to the James River and they did a little photo shoot. On mother's day, I got a picture frame with four pictures of my beautiful girls. Doris had them write all over the back of the picture what I meant to them. It is the MOST precious gift that I think I've ever gotten.
Before I went on vacation this year, Doris sent me coupons and sent the girls some spending money. She also sent me some little encouraging booklets to keep in my purse with me. She is such a gift to me.
The reason that I wanted to write about her today is because Doris lost her mother last night to alzeheimers. On Friday night, I got a call from Doris to tell me that she was on her way to see her because she had taken a turn for the worse. In her selfless heart, Doris called me. She called me to encourage me to keep on. To keep influencing my girls. To stay strong despite my pain. She knew how hard it was for me suddenly raising my girls without a father. Here it was, her mother was dying, and Doris called to encourage me!!! I'm crying at the very idea of that thought. She is an absolute gift from God to me right now. I hope that I can be that kind of encouragement to someone else along the way. I want to learn to be selfless like Doris. To give of myself completely so that others may live. My prayer for you is that you have a Doris in your life. Everyone needs someone like her!

I love you with all of my heart Doris Birdsong! You are a shining example of God's love in this dark world.

Beautiful Sunsets

I enjoyed my run on Monday sooo much during lunch that I decided to go again. This time, I went to my favorite running spot at the lake. I was kinda hoping to hear God speak to me again. As I ran I had my ipod speakers on full blast..or close to it anyway. Worship was happening as I ran. So as I ran I sang to Him. There was a certain song that came on and the lyrics were "This is for you, for all you've done for me and I wanted to show you how much you mean, My God." As I ran I began singing that to Jesus with all of my might. I'm getting healthy for You God. I want to run and live my life out loud to make You proud, Lord! I kept running and the sun was setting. The trees around the lake are full of leaves right now because it's summer. Because of that you can't always see the lake fully.
I have ALWAYS been a fan.. BIG fan of sunsets and sunrises. I love the colors across the sky especially at night. Each sky is different. Never ever the same. God is the MOST amazing artist and I have taught my children to appreciate sunsets as well. Anyway... I am running and I rounded the corner around some trees with the lake full in view... the song in my ears.. I heard the Lord say.."This is for YOU for all you've done for me and I wanted to show YOU how much you mean to me"......I looked across the lake and the reflection of the sky was PURPLE, RED, BLUE ..... BRILLIANT! I gasped. I knew that God had me running at the lake that night to show me the sunset...to say to me.. Christy.. I love you. I'm proud of you. You dont' have to be perfect. I don't expect you to be perfect. I just want you to keep living. Keep going. I'm going to give you your heart's desires and sooo much more! There's sooo much I want to do in you. I want you to shine for ME!
God is such an amazing father. Despite the fact that my girls have a father who has abandoned them... I will do whatever it takes to SHINE God for my children. To show them that sometimes we have unexpected things along the way but if we allow God to control our lives, we don't have to live in fear, but expectation that God will take that unexpected thing and turn it into something amazing and wonderful and beyond our dreams!
I look forward to tomorrow. In the meantime... I'm off for another run.

I don't know what you are facing... but look to the sky. You may see clouds coming your way, but check out the way God will turn those clouds into the most beautiful painting when the sun shines on them!

And just like that.. a little boost!

I just want to say how different I feel right now compared to what I felt like waking up this morning. I know that I had been feeling some depression hitting me. I didn't want it. I wanted to feel like sunshiny Christy again. I had a long talk this morning with my friend Wynne. He said some things that really freed my mind. Christy.. You are normal. You've been given a terrible blow. What you are feeling is completely normal. YET.. I was longing to feel happy. To feel free again. I thought that maybe if I went for a run at lunch, I would feel better, so I did. You know what? As I ran, I felt God speak to me. I think I had been struggling with whether or not I was suppose to be leading worship right now. I've been second guessing myself alot lately. As I ran, I felt the Lord speaking to me. Don't listen to those voices of doubt Christy. I was looking to the sky as I ran. There was worship playing on my ipod, and I heard God say.. I've called you to lead worship Christy. Don't you dare quit! Keep your eyes on me Christy. I'm going to lead you along the way. I ran 2 short miles, but I felt sooo much better. I felt stronger. I felt happy. I don't know if it was the endorphins that had been released as I exercised or if it was the fact that I had heard from God today. When I came back inside to work, God did another thing. I was looking for bumper videos for next week's message. I came across a story. Two farmers were praying for rain. It had not rained in a long time. Only one of the farmers actually prepared his fields for the rain that would eventually come that he was praying for. My spirit leapt within me as soon as I heard that! God spoke again to me... I want you to be preparing your fields Christy. I want you to be doing eveything possible to get healthy Christy because I have your blessing coming to you. It's not going to be a long way off either. I feel that with everything in me! I believe that the enemy knows this as well. He wants me to be distracted on all the wrong things. He wants me to think about my pain. He wants me to be depressed. Oh yes.. I'm going to feel it. I'm going to feel the rejection and pain of my situation. I mean.. I was married for 13 years after all. But God wants to know that BIGGER things... BETTER things are coming to me.
This morning I told Wynne that I guess, I just wanted something to look forward to. I know that it's coming. I just have to keep making it through each day. I'd just rather be laughing along the way than crying. Sooo... I choose today to believe God. I choose to smile. And I hope that my smile will shatter the darkness in someone else's world along the way.
I can't wait to lead worship this Sunday. WOW!!! I think it was yesterday that I yelled in my bedroom... "I don't want to be a worship leader"....what a change. That's just like God though.
He wants his kids to be happy...just like I do!

I love you!

Joy Comes in the Morning

I recently got a new CD online for my Itunes music. There is a song on the album..title of it, in fact. It's called Your Love Never Fails. I keep listening to it over and over. There is a section of the chorus that says There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. And when the Ocean's rage.. I don't have to be afraid because I know that you love me. Your love never fails. That line just keeps going over and over in my head. There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning.
I think I'm entering into a new phase in this journey. Anger. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I'm Christy... I love everyone! I give the shirt off my back so that others might have something to wear. I'm faithful. I'm loyal! I DON'T GET IT??!!! I now hear stories as my girls come home of how much fun they had with their Daddy and his girlfriend. Stories of things she made for them to eat. The fun places they went. How she fixed their hair for them. I know I'm gonna have to get used to this new part of my life, but it's hard not to think about when I come home night after night alone. Longing for someone's arms to be around me. To tell me that I am worth loving. I keep thinking about the fact that he lied to me. Making me believe that I was worth everything to him and then SUDDENLY..gone. Yesterday I wanted to stay in bed all day. I wanted to hide. I wanted to sink into depression, but I didn't. I remember the words. God wants me to LIVE! Get out of that bed Christy. You are gonna conquer this thing. You are gonna continue to put one foot in front of the other. I loaded the girls, and their friend, in the car and we went to Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens. It was 4th of July and free day. It was beautiful! It was fun! We took the camera and took a ton of fun pictures. I let the girls play in a fountain with a bunch of kids. As they played, I journaled. I got my emotions out. I have to keep going. I can't quit. I can't give up. I have to show my girls what Courage looks like even when I'm not sure myself. I have to stay steady so my girls can continue to be little girls. I want them to look back at this time in their life and know that God was all around them!
I had a talk with my friend Jack today - he said that it's like God is only giving me a flashlight along the way, because if he were to shine the light on what is coming my way... all the good.. I might explode. It would be too much for me to take in. Anyway..Jack..He's all too familiar with pain. It's a different kind of pain than I'm going though, but it's still hard and he should not be living today! For me, there has been joy along the way. God has given me a couple of friends who seriously crack me up! One works in the office beside mine. THANK GOD FOR TODD! He has the joy of the Lord and it's completely contagious! God has strategically placed me in the office beside him so I can catch His joy when I get too focused on my circumstance. The other is an unexpected friend that I happened to gain BECAUSE of my husband leaving. This friend will call at night... the hardest part of my day it seems, and I will end up laughing so hard that my face literally hurts! I can't thank God enough for the gift of both of these people in my life!!!
Soo many times I've asked God to fast forward me to this time next year.. but He says no. There is so much that he wants me to discover about me along the way..from here to next year. That can only come in the victory and failures in each day. Sooo I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and will continue to look for the Joy to come in the morning. For this pain in the night to pass. God continues to write this amazing story of my life. I just want to make Him proud along the way and LAUGH alot despite it!

You are God's favorite and don't you forget it! What is He doing in you? Are you even looking for Him in your day?
You are very very loved!

Jehovah Jirah My Provider

About two months ago I got a precious gift given to me by my sweet friend Heather. It has quickly become one of my favorite gifts ever. It is called a Jehoval Jirah journal. She gave it to me about 3 weeks after my husband left me. What she told me was to write down everything that God provides for me, so I have.
There have been some really huge moments where God has provided my needs and there have been others that were small... He has been in all of it along this amazing journey. I have been feeling compelled to write some of these things in a blog so that others might be blessed along the way.
On the Sunday that Adam left us, the forcast was calling for a few inches of snow. We have lived here for 5 years and have never seen more than 2 inches at the most of snow here. Never ever anything significant and I LOVE LOVE the snow. By late afternoon it began to snow. It was coming down hard and beautiful and I was angry. I was angry at God for making it snow on that particular day. I would now be stuck inside grieving my loss and now ALL in front of my children....they had already been watching me break down over and over as it was. But I was mad at God for making it snow and I told him so. I was looking out my front window as I told him. I will never forget this moment. I left the front window, passed through my kitchen and into the office and looked out onto my back deck. The Lord spoke to me in such a loud voice as I looked outside and He said to me.... But Christy... this snow is for YOU.. I made it snow for you today so that you would live. So that you will get out of your bed in the morning and get out and play with your kids. So that you won't take your kids to school tomorrow and come home and stay in bed all day. I am providing this snow so that you will laugh and play with your children. I want you to live despite your pain. I cried. And the next day.. I got out of the bed and I played with my kids out in the snow. We built one of our famous fashion snowmen. I got out of bed and I lived. There were definitely those moments where I was doubled over with grief.. crying.. all in front of my kids... and you know what they did?? They would hug me and they would say to me.. ok mommy.. let's get back out there and play, or where is the camera.. we want to make a funny video for you so you will laugh. This Amazing God that I have loved for sooo long... provided me two beautiful girls to make me laugh and hold me when I thought I was going to die of the pain I was in. Jehovah Jirah.. my provider.
I knew that I would never be able to afford to stay in the house where I was currently living. The rent price was very high and I knew that I needed to find a different place to live. My lease ran through May 31st. I began to pray and ask God to give me a townhouse or a small house that was less than 900.00 a month. I looked at several apartments and never felt safe or excited about anything that I saw. Week after week, I would have my small group pray with me over this..not just my small group, but everyone I knew that was praying for us. God gave me my very heart's desire. A beautiful brick townhouse. Just this past Friday, I met with the new landlord and gave him my deposit and first month's rent, which the Lord miraculously provided as well. He gave me the go ahead and start moving in if I so desired. This weekend has been a whirlwind and my mind is still spinning after what transpired just a few short hours ago. Yesterday was Saturday. I had two different people come and help me start packing. I had a moving date set for one week. June 6th. I knew this would be an incredibly busy week for me..packing and packing and packing. I took a few things over to the new place yesterday and today. Jump start. Then tonight.. 17 amazing people showed up at my house at 6 pm and packed up my entire house for me!! Jehovah Jirah..my provider.
Needless to say, I am still speechless. This is just a couple of things that God has done. There have been sooo many people along the way who have been ther and encouraged me when I have needed it. I have made a few new friends along the way.
I am discovering that I have a God who I can trust. I am discovering that He really is near to the brokenhearted. I am discovering that this would suck alot more if God weren't a part of this story!
I want to stay as close to Him as I can. I am in the middle of a storm in my life! It's pouring down all around and I'm dancing in it!
Thank you God for how You provide! I'm honored to serve you!

Defining Moment

Being a creative personality, I've always had the natural ability to let my mind run away from me at times. So many times, I allow my thoughts to take me down an imaginary path. I have even been known to make up things in my head that are completely untrue and then that becomes my reality and I end up with this ridiculous thing called paranoia. Suddenly...the situation that has absolutely nothing to do with me, in my own head, has EVERYTHING to do with me. I then react out of what I have made up in my head, rather than what is the absolute truth. The completely embarassing part is when the truth is revealed and i have just made an absolute fool of myself! In the process of growing in Christ, I have asked Him to reveal anything that needs to be removed. In the past couple of weeks, He has been working in me in the area of my self worth. I, for quite some time have been someone who sooo seeks mans approval that I have allowed what people think of me to control and dictate who I am- who I have become. A yes man. Oh let me do that for you...it's a form of manipulation to get people to like me. Do you have any idea how messed up I feel right now? UGH!
God has been showing me that He wants my worth to be in HIM. It's ok to need people in my life. There is nothing wrong with that, but sooo many times I put people in the place in my heart that should and does only belong to God. I'm ready to let go.
At the very start of this year, God gave me a word. He said DISCOVER. I had no idea that He would begin to help me discover Christy for who HE see's Christy to be, for maybe the first time in my entire life!
Last night, I had an amazing conversation with my pastor and very dear friend Scott. He shared with me that maybe I have been allowing the situation that I am in to dictate who I am becoming. I have allowed the rejection that I have faced to shut me down to alot of my relationships..remember the thoughts in my head that are untrue..I'm allowing myself to believe that maybe it's not just my husband that wanted away from me.. it's alot of my close friends as well. In reality.. sometimes people don't know what to say or how to react so they say nothing. In my head... I'm looking at everyone who seems to be pulling away from me and thinking..well, its because shes suddenly... SINGLE... women protect your husbands from her.. men.. don't get near her.
What my pastor said to me instead was.. Christy.. I wish you could see yourself how others see you. Vibrant.. someone that others are drawn to.. fun..funny... full of the Lord, and a leader. I wish you could see yourself as Christ sees you! I was soo challenged and yet felt some freedom through what he said. Not because of the compliments he gave me, but more out of the truth of what he said to me.
I do want people to be drawn to me... not out of manipulation to get people to like me, but out of CHRIST IN ME! Shining out of me..that is my hope of all hopes.
Today, I went to my counceling session. I was telling my councelor about all of this.. what i am seeing in myself. What Jesus is showing me. Through the conversation that we had, we talked about my ability to sometimes be paranoid. To make up stuff in my head that isn't true. ANXIETY...just like Chloe. For those who don't know, I have a child that is dealing with extreme anxiety. Almost every single day we deal with some form of it from her. It runs in my family and I now see that I have been dealing with it for years. Anxiety.. fear..of rejection.. of being alone. The great news is that I am NOT nor will EVER EVER BE ALONE! Praise the Lord! I am finding myself, for the very first time without a man by my side to support me. I went from my dad's house to my husbands. I know that God knows my heart's desire is to have someone to love along the way, but for now I am to fall in love with Christ in Christy. To heal so that when that time comes to give my heart away.. it will be WHOLE.
This is a painful process. It's not easy to share with anyone and everyone my weakest spots, but my hope is that others might get freed from their own fears and begin to find their identity in Christ alone! In the end I want to love out of the overflow of what I have to give rather than manipulation of what I need. I refuse to allow myself to be defined by life's situations... I will be defined by who God say's I am. I AM.......... HIS.

Go get em slugger!

This past Friday night I got the opportunity to play softball for the first time since 1980. I was really excited to get out on Friday night with some friends and play ball. I figured that I would do pretty well except maybe when I got up to bat. I wasn't quite sure how that would go. I used to be pretty good as a kid, but remember...1980! That was like..29 years ago right? UGH. Anyway, it wasn't long before I was up to bat. Everyone knew that I hadn't done this in a long time and I knew that ALL eyes would be on me. I admit it.. I love attention. I'm born to be on stage and in the limelight..I am a singer by nature, but I was in unfamiliar territory and just knew that I was going to make a fool outta myself. My team was yelling for me.."take your time Christy, keep your eye on the ball...etc" I waited to swing until I saw the perfect pitch.. wham.. I hit it and took off running. I was shocked that I hit the ball!!! I made a base hit first time trying! Woo Hoo! Each time after that, I hit the ball and each time I got up to bat, I had a team cheering me on. I even made it to 3rd base at one point. We won both games that we played. Now that I think about it, it's our pastor that is all the time saying the words.."HOORAY, OUR TEAM WINS".
Isn't it just like God to give me a parallel between this story and my life right now. I am currently in unfamiliar territory. I'm facing all sorts of new things coming my way. I'm nervous because I can't see what's coming next. The cool thing in it all is that God has given me a "great cloud of witnesses", my peeps, who cheer me on when I'm scared. He encourages me to give it all I've got when I'm soooo unsure of myself. What is different from my experience above and my life right now is that I've been practicing this Christian life for a very long time now. I've been preparing for such a time as this for years, and I believe that my response to what is happening has been what it is (good for the most part) because of the practice I've received along the way. I'm in the middle of the biggest game of my life. I want to hit a grand slam! I know that I can with God on my side. What happens when we hit a grand slam?? Someone else gets inspired to do the same. I want my life to affect people like that.
Today I woke up discouraged. I asked a few of my friends to pray for me. I didn't feel like leading worship. I was tired and weary from playing this game of my life. I got an amazing response from my TEAM...You can do it Christy.. keep your eye on the ball...take your time..in Your weakness..He will be strong! I'm soooo glad that I don't play alone, but am part of an amazing team!
To those on my team. I cherish you! I hope that when you are in the middle of the biggest game in your life..you find me on the sidelines cheering you on too!
You are His favorite and He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because that is what He is like!

I love you!
Christy

Self Worth

Today is Mother's Day. It's been an amazing day to say the least. I was nominated by my daughter for Mother of the Year at our church and I won. She wrote the sweetest letter as to why I should win and it was chosen. The amazing thing is what God was exposing and area of weakeness to me just this week that He was trying to perfect in me. It all fits together.

Serveral months ago my husband of 13 years abandoned me and the girls suddenly to another state. He control alt deleted his life. Five years of friendships..13 years of happy marriage (or so I thought). He walked out on the ministry..No notice to anyone. Just left. I was devestated to say the least. It took two weeks for me to find out that he had left for another woman. Once that information was out..my rejection took on a whole new meaning. For 13 years I devoted everything I had to him. I prayed for him. Encouraged him. Loved him with my everything. No..we didn't have the perfect marriage, but I was the protector of his dreams. And I thought we were happy. His actions left me feeling completely worthless. Before he came along, I had already had years of dealing with rejection. My mom left when I was 12 years old. When I was in High School, I never had a boyfriend. I was awkward to say the least. I was not attractive, always longing to be wanted and cherished but never finding it. I was always the guys best friend. Everyone loved me "as a friend" never more. I could sing my heart and lungs out, but that was the extent of what was great about me. Or so I thought. I married a guy that was 7 years younger than me.

There are so many good things that have come from my pain and trial. I can't even begin to tell you all the good things God has done! Someone gave me a Jehoval Jirah (God my provider) journal to keep track of what God is doing along the way and i am writing in it. I have found so many unexpected friends as well.
Just this past week a new friend of mine caught a vision of me with a ball and chain around my waist. My friend said that there is something in the way of your complete healing. God wants to remove that thing in your way. Just a couple of days later I heard that the Christian music group, Selah, was going to be in town. I had to go because a good friend of mine from High School is a part of that group. At one point in the concert, Amy (singer) began to share a testimony of her struggle with her self esteem. She talked about not feeling beautiful or worth anything because of her struggle with her weight. I sooo understood her pain! I used to be very heavy. God freed me of my weight almost 5 years ago and I have kept it off. What remained was my low self worth. Yes I was happier..yes I felt beautiful again, but I was still a people pleaser. I was constantly looking for man's approval rather than God's. I realized that my self worth was the ball and chain around my waist and that God is now ready to free me of my need of man's approval.
I quickly shared this with my friend. I said that I felt like God has revealed the thing that I am struggling with- that ball and chain- low self esteem. For years I have been a lover of people. I love them.. I do! What God is showing me now is that I loved them out of my own pain (and it's not necessarily a bad thing)..I love people so that no one will ever experience the pain the same pain that I feel. I no longer want to love them from my pain.. I want to love them simply because they are God's creation. He has a perfect plan for those that choose to walk in His way. He wants more people to follow Him. For everyone to walk in freedom! I WANT to walk in complete freedom from my own hurts! I want to learn to love me for me! I feel like I'm beginning the process.
So it's Mother's Day.. I won Mother of the Year.
Here is the letter that Emme wrote...

I want to nominate my mom, Christy Short, for mother of the year because She loves me and is always there for me. She always helps me with my problems and when I am hurt she makes it better. I love her and help her when she is sick just like she does for me. We have alot of stuff like that..for example, I rub her back and she rubs mine. Even though she sometimes makes me mad, we always work it out. The best thing about her is that she has taught me about Jesus and to love Him. I really love my mom!

Emme

I shared this letter with my friend and was suprised when he said (knowing of my struggle with my self worth)..How did that make you feel?? My answer was WOW... Worth ALOT!

Isn't God amazing like that. He knows the depths of our heart..wants the VERY best for us. He goes before us. He knew that He would reveal this part of my life this week. He knew that I was struggling with the fact that I felt second best. Worth nothing much because of the pain of rejection that I've gone through. And He provided a moment with my precious child in front of an entire congregation of people and reminded me of how priceless I truely am. I believe there will be more moments in my life as He perfects this deep rooted rejection in my life. I want it gone. I want to be so secure in who I am so that I can love others not out of manipulation but the complete and total free love of Jesus! I'm so excited for what God is doing as painful as it is at times. He has a beautiful plan in it all.
God is writing the most amazing story of my life... I want HIM to be glorified in it and not me!
I also want to thank all the people who have spoken into my life. Because I am normally the one speaking into others, it's a hard place to be on the recieving end of it all. I hope that I can be just a tiny speck of encouragement back to you as you have been to me.
You are loved beyond measure just because you are! Oooh.. recent quote from a pastor in New Jersey... God wants to take the Am I's in our life and turn them into I Am.

YOU ARE HIS FAVORITE!!

Words that Kill

It was just yesterday that I heard the words from someone very close to me "You are a Disappointment to me". I won't say who it was, but I will say this.. I can't control what was said. I'm not responsible for those words that came to kill and destroy me- because they thought I deserved to hear how they felt about me, but I am now responsible for my reaction to those words. They've been a constant tape playing in my head over and over and over. How will I ever be able to face that person again? What can I do to make that person love me? I'm crushed, but I also know that I must forgive. I must destroy the tape in my head and die to the fact that I may NEVER earn that person's love or acceptance. Do you know how hard that is for an approval addict??? Maybe you're just like me.

The one thing that I love about myself is that I do love people so willingly. Without judgement. I love hard. The problem with that, is that I'm easily hurt. I get wounded alot. It's a price I pay, but I refuse to stop. I want people to know that they are worth loving. That I'm not concerned with whether or not they go to church... just because I go... everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves a kind word! One thing that I don't love about myself is that I'm all over the place... I'm busy. I am forgetful. I am a creative person and I'm not a well thought out planner. I'm trying to do better, but sometimes I mess up.... I hurt this person because of this part of my life.

Look, I'm the first one to admit that I make mistakes. Plenty of mistakes! But when i die I want my tombstone to say that I loved freely... not that I was someone's disappointment.
In the end... I do love the person that said that to me... more than they will ever know!

Maybe you're like me. Maybe you need to destroy tapes of things said or actions done to you in the past. Things that you play again and again. Throw it away. Release it! Die to the fact that you may never earn their approval or acceptance, but don't let it destroy you! Choose Love and be free! You have ONE life to live! Refuse to rent space in your head for another second to negative thinking.
Know that you are worth being loved!!!