About two months ago I got a precious gift given to me by my sweet friend Heather. It has quickly become one of my favorite gifts ever. It is called a Jehoval Jirah journal. She gave it to me about 3 weeks after my husband left me. What she told me was to write down everything that God provides for me, so I have.
There have been some really huge moments where God has provided my needs and there have been others that were small... He has been in all of it along this amazing journey. I have been feeling compelled to write some of these things in a blog so that others might be blessed along the way.
On the Sunday that Adam left us, the forcast was calling for a few inches of snow. We have lived here for 5 years and have never seen more than 2 inches at the most of snow here. Never ever anything significant and I LOVE LOVE the snow. By late afternoon it began to snow. It was coming down hard and beautiful and I was angry. I was angry at God for making it snow on that particular day. I would now be stuck inside grieving my loss and now ALL in front of my children....they had already been watching me break down over and over as it was. But I was mad at God for making it snow and I told him so. I was looking out my front window as I told him. I will never forget this moment. I left the front window, passed through my kitchen and into the office and looked out onto my back deck. The Lord spoke to me in such a loud voice as I looked outside and He said to me.... But Christy... this snow is for YOU.. I made it snow for you today so that you would live. So that you will get out of your bed in the morning and get out and play with your kids. So that you won't take your kids to school tomorrow and come home and stay in bed all day. I am providing this snow so that you will laugh and play with your children. I want you to live despite your pain. I cried. And the next day.. I got out of the bed and I played with my kids out in the snow. We built one of our famous fashion snowmen. I got out of bed and I lived. There were definitely those moments where I was doubled over with grief.. crying.. all in front of my kids... and you know what they did?? They would hug me and they would say to me.. ok mommy.. let's get back out there and play, or where is the camera.. we want to make a funny video for you so you will laugh. This Amazing God that I have loved for sooo long... provided me two beautiful girls to make me laugh and hold me when I thought I was going to die of the pain I was in. Jehovah Jirah.. my provider.
I knew that I would never be able to afford to stay in the house where I was currently living. The rent price was very high and I knew that I needed to find a different place to live. My lease ran through May 31st. I began to pray and ask God to give me a townhouse or a small house that was less than 900.00 a month. I looked at several apartments and never felt safe or excited about anything that I saw. Week after week, I would have my small group pray with me over this..not just my small group, but everyone I knew that was praying for us. God gave me my very heart's desire. A beautiful brick townhouse. Just this past Friday, I met with the new landlord and gave him my deposit and first month's rent, which the Lord miraculously provided as well. He gave me the go ahead and start moving in if I so desired. This weekend has been a whirlwind and my mind is still spinning after what transpired just a few short hours ago. Yesterday was Saturday. I had two different people come and help me start packing. I had a moving date set for one week. June 6th. I knew this would be an incredibly busy week for me..packing and packing and packing. I took a few things over to the new place yesterday and today. Jump start. Then tonight.. 17 amazing people showed up at my house at 6 pm and packed up my entire house for me!! Jehovah Jirah..my provider.
Needless to say, I am still speechless. This is just a couple of things that God has done. There have been sooo many people along the way who have been ther and encouraged me when I have needed it. I have made a few new friends along the way.
I am discovering that I have a God who I can trust. I am discovering that He really is near to the brokenhearted. I am discovering that this would suck alot more if God weren't a part of this story!
I want to stay as close to Him as I can. I am in the middle of a storm in my life! It's pouring down all around and I'm dancing in it!
Thank you God for how You provide! I'm honored to serve you!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Defining Moment
Being a creative personality, I've always had the natural ability to let my mind run away from me at times. So many times, I allow my thoughts to take me down an imaginary path. I have even been known to make up things in my head that are completely untrue and then that becomes my reality and I end up with this ridiculous thing called paranoia. Suddenly...the situation that has absolutely nothing to do with me, in my own head, has EVERYTHING to do with me. I then react out of what I have made up in my head, rather than what is the absolute truth. The completely embarassing part is when the truth is revealed and i have just made an absolute fool of myself! In the process of growing in Christ, I have asked Him to reveal anything that needs to be removed. In the past couple of weeks, He has been working in me in the area of my self worth. I, for quite some time have been someone who sooo seeks mans approval that I have allowed what people think of me to control and dictate who I am- who I have become. A yes man. Oh let me do that for you...it's a form of manipulation to get people to like me. Do you have any idea how messed up I feel right now? UGH!
God has been showing me that He wants my worth to be in HIM. It's ok to need people in my life. There is nothing wrong with that, but sooo many times I put people in the place in my heart that should and does only belong to God. I'm ready to let go.
At the very start of this year, God gave me a word. He said DISCOVER. I had no idea that He would begin to help me discover Christy for who HE see's Christy to be, for maybe the first time in my entire life!
Last night, I had an amazing conversation with my pastor and very dear friend Scott. He shared with me that maybe I have been allowing the situation that I am in to dictate who I am becoming. I have allowed the rejection that I have faced to shut me down to alot of my relationships..remember the thoughts in my head that are untrue..I'm allowing myself to believe that maybe it's not just my husband that wanted away from me.. it's alot of my close friends as well. In reality.. sometimes people don't know what to say or how to react so they say nothing. In my head... I'm looking at everyone who seems to be pulling away from me and thinking..well, its because shes suddenly... SINGLE... women protect your husbands from her.. men.. don't get near her.
What my pastor said to me instead was.. Christy.. I wish you could see yourself how others see you. Vibrant.. someone that others are drawn to.. fun..funny... full of the Lord, and a leader. I wish you could see yourself as Christ sees you! I was soo challenged and yet felt some freedom through what he said. Not because of the compliments he gave me, but more out of the truth of what he said to me.
I do want people to be drawn to me... not out of manipulation to get people to like me, but out of CHRIST IN ME! Shining out of me..that is my hope of all hopes.
Today, I went to my counceling session. I was telling my councelor about all of this.. what i am seeing in myself. What Jesus is showing me. Through the conversation that we had, we talked about my ability to sometimes be paranoid. To make up stuff in my head that isn't true. ANXIETY...just like Chloe. For those who don't know, I have a child that is dealing with extreme anxiety. Almost every single day we deal with some form of it from her. It runs in my family and I now see that I have been dealing with it for years. Anxiety.. fear..of rejection.. of being alone. The great news is that I am NOT nor will EVER EVER BE ALONE! Praise the Lord! I am finding myself, for the very first time without a man by my side to support me. I went from my dad's house to my husbands. I know that God knows my heart's desire is to have someone to love along the way, but for now I am to fall in love with Christ in Christy. To heal so that when that time comes to give my heart away.. it will be WHOLE.
This is a painful process. It's not easy to share with anyone and everyone my weakest spots, but my hope is that others might get freed from their own fears and begin to find their identity in Christ alone! In the end I want to love out of the overflow of what I have to give rather than manipulation of what I need. I refuse to allow myself to be defined by life's situations... I will be defined by who God say's I am. I AM.......... HIS.
God has been showing me that He wants my worth to be in HIM. It's ok to need people in my life. There is nothing wrong with that, but sooo many times I put people in the place in my heart that should and does only belong to God. I'm ready to let go.
At the very start of this year, God gave me a word. He said DISCOVER. I had no idea that He would begin to help me discover Christy for who HE see's Christy to be, for maybe the first time in my entire life!
Last night, I had an amazing conversation with my pastor and very dear friend Scott. He shared with me that maybe I have been allowing the situation that I am in to dictate who I am becoming. I have allowed the rejection that I have faced to shut me down to alot of my relationships..remember the thoughts in my head that are untrue..I'm allowing myself to believe that maybe it's not just my husband that wanted away from me.. it's alot of my close friends as well. In reality.. sometimes people don't know what to say or how to react so they say nothing. In my head... I'm looking at everyone who seems to be pulling away from me and thinking..well, its because shes suddenly... SINGLE... women protect your husbands from her.. men.. don't get near her.
What my pastor said to me instead was.. Christy.. I wish you could see yourself how others see you. Vibrant.. someone that others are drawn to.. fun..funny... full of the Lord, and a leader. I wish you could see yourself as Christ sees you! I was soo challenged and yet felt some freedom through what he said. Not because of the compliments he gave me, but more out of the truth of what he said to me.
I do want people to be drawn to me... not out of manipulation to get people to like me, but out of CHRIST IN ME! Shining out of me..that is my hope of all hopes.
Today, I went to my counceling session. I was telling my councelor about all of this.. what i am seeing in myself. What Jesus is showing me. Through the conversation that we had, we talked about my ability to sometimes be paranoid. To make up stuff in my head that isn't true. ANXIETY...just like Chloe. For those who don't know, I have a child that is dealing with extreme anxiety. Almost every single day we deal with some form of it from her. It runs in my family and I now see that I have been dealing with it for years. Anxiety.. fear..of rejection.. of being alone. The great news is that I am NOT nor will EVER EVER BE ALONE! Praise the Lord! I am finding myself, for the very first time without a man by my side to support me. I went from my dad's house to my husbands. I know that God knows my heart's desire is to have someone to love along the way, but for now I am to fall in love with Christ in Christy. To heal so that when that time comes to give my heart away.. it will be WHOLE.
This is a painful process. It's not easy to share with anyone and everyone my weakest spots, but my hope is that others might get freed from their own fears and begin to find their identity in Christ alone! In the end I want to love out of the overflow of what I have to give rather than manipulation of what I need. I refuse to allow myself to be defined by life's situations... I will be defined by who God say's I am. I AM.......... HIS.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Go get em slugger!
This past Friday night I got the opportunity to play softball for the first time since 1980. I was really excited to get out on Friday night with some friends and play ball. I figured that I would do pretty well except maybe when I got up to bat. I wasn't quite sure how that would go. I used to be pretty good as a kid, but remember...1980! That was like..29 years ago right? UGH. Anyway, it wasn't long before I was up to bat. Everyone knew that I hadn't done this in a long time and I knew that ALL eyes would be on me. I admit it.. I love attention. I'm born to be on stage and in the limelight..I am a singer by nature, but I was in unfamiliar territory and just knew that I was going to make a fool outta myself. My team was yelling for me.."take your time Christy, keep your eye on the ball...etc" I waited to swing until I saw the perfect pitch.. wham.. I hit it and took off running. I was shocked that I hit the ball!!! I made a base hit first time trying! Woo Hoo! Each time after that, I hit the ball and each time I got up to bat, I had a team cheering me on. I even made it to 3rd base at one point. We won both games that we played. Now that I think about it, it's our pastor that is all the time saying the words.."HOORAY, OUR TEAM WINS".
Isn't it just like God to give me a parallel between this story and my life right now. I am currently in unfamiliar territory. I'm facing all sorts of new things coming my way. I'm nervous because I can't see what's coming next. The cool thing in it all is that God has given me a "great cloud of witnesses", my peeps, who cheer me on when I'm scared. He encourages me to give it all I've got when I'm soooo unsure of myself. What is different from my experience above and my life right now is that I've been practicing this Christian life for a very long time now. I've been preparing for such a time as this for years, and I believe that my response to what is happening has been what it is (good for the most part) because of the practice I've received along the way. I'm in the middle of the biggest game of my life. I want to hit a grand slam! I know that I can with God on my side. What happens when we hit a grand slam?? Someone else gets inspired to do the same. I want my life to affect people like that.
Today I woke up discouraged. I asked a few of my friends to pray for me. I didn't feel like leading worship. I was tired and weary from playing this game of my life. I got an amazing response from my TEAM...You can do it Christy.. keep your eye on the ball...take your time..in Your weakness..He will be strong! I'm soooo glad that I don't play alone, but am part of an amazing team!
To those on my team. I cherish you! I hope that when you are in the middle of the biggest game in your life..you find me on the sidelines cheering you on too!
You are His favorite and He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because that is what He is like!
I love you!
Christy
Isn't it just like God to give me a parallel between this story and my life right now. I am currently in unfamiliar territory. I'm facing all sorts of new things coming my way. I'm nervous because I can't see what's coming next. The cool thing in it all is that God has given me a "great cloud of witnesses", my peeps, who cheer me on when I'm scared. He encourages me to give it all I've got when I'm soooo unsure of myself. What is different from my experience above and my life right now is that I've been practicing this Christian life for a very long time now. I've been preparing for such a time as this for years, and I believe that my response to what is happening has been what it is (good for the most part) because of the practice I've received along the way. I'm in the middle of the biggest game of my life. I want to hit a grand slam! I know that I can with God on my side. What happens when we hit a grand slam?? Someone else gets inspired to do the same. I want my life to affect people like that.
Today I woke up discouraged. I asked a few of my friends to pray for me. I didn't feel like leading worship. I was tired and weary from playing this game of my life. I got an amazing response from my TEAM...You can do it Christy.. keep your eye on the ball...take your time..in Your weakness..He will be strong! I'm soooo glad that I don't play alone, but am part of an amazing team!
To those on my team. I cherish you! I hope that when you are in the middle of the biggest game in your life..you find me on the sidelines cheering you on too!
You are His favorite and He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because He loves you because that is what He is like!
I love you!
Christy
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Self Worth
Today is Mother's Day. It's been an amazing day to say the least. I was nominated by my daughter for Mother of the Year at our church and I won. She wrote the sweetest letter as to why I should win and it was chosen. The amazing thing is what God was exposing and area of weakeness to me just this week that He was trying to perfect in me. It all fits together.
Serveral months ago my husband of 13 years abandoned me and the girls suddenly to another state. He control alt deleted his life. Five years of friendships..13 years of happy marriage (or so I thought). He walked out on the ministry..No notice to anyone. Just left. I was devestated to say the least. It took two weeks for me to find out that he had left for another woman. Once that information was out..my rejection took on a whole new meaning. For 13 years I devoted everything I had to him. I prayed for him. Encouraged him. Loved him with my everything. No..we didn't have the perfect marriage, but I was the protector of his dreams. And I thought we were happy. His actions left me feeling completely worthless. Before he came along, I had already had years of dealing with rejection. My mom left when I was 12 years old. When I was in High School, I never had a boyfriend. I was awkward to say the least. I was not attractive, always longing to be wanted and cherished but never finding it. I was always the guys best friend. Everyone loved me "as a friend" never more. I could sing my heart and lungs out, but that was the extent of what was great about me. Or so I thought. I married a guy that was 7 years younger than me.
There are so many good things that have come from my pain and trial. I can't even begin to tell you all the good things God has done! Someone gave me a Jehoval Jirah (God my provider) journal to keep track of what God is doing along the way and i am writing in it. I have found so many unexpected friends as well.
Just this past week a new friend of mine caught a vision of me with a ball and chain around my waist. My friend said that there is something in the way of your complete healing. God wants to remove that thing in your way. Just a couple of days later I heard that the Christian music group, Selah, was going to be in town. I had to go because a good friend of mine from High School is a part of that group. At one point in the concert, Amy (singer) began to share a testimony of her struggle with her self esteem. She talked about not feeling beautiful or worth anything because of her struggle with her weight. I sooo understood her pain! I used to be very heavy. God freed me of my weight almost 5 years ago and I have kept it off. What remained was my low self worth. Yes I was happier..yes I felt beautiful again, but I was still a people pleaser. I was constantly looking for man's approval rather than God's. I realized that my self worth was the ball and chain around my waist and that God is now ready to free me of my need of man's approval.
I quickly shared this with my friend. I said that I felt like God has revealed the thing that I am struggling with- that ball and chain- low self esteem. For years I have been a lover of people. I love them.. I do! What God is showing me now is that I loved them out of my own pain (and it's not necessarily a bad thing)..I love people so that no one will ever experience the pain the same pain that I feel. I no longer want to love them from my pain.. I want to love them simply because they are God's creation. He has a perfect plan for those that choose to walk in His way. He wants more people to follow Him. For everyone to walk in freedom! I WANT to walk in complete freedom from my own hurts! I want to learn to love me for me! I feel like I'm beginning the process.
So it's Mother's Day.. I won Mother of the Year.
Here is the letter that Emme wrote...
I want to nominate my mom, Christy Short, for mother of the year because She loves me and is always there for me. She always helps me with my problems and when I am hurt she makes it better. I love her and help her when she is sick just like she does for me. We have alot of stuff like that..for example, I rub her back and she rubs mine. Even though she sometimes makes me mad, we always work it out. The best thing about her is that she has taught me about Jesus and to love Him. I really love my mom!
Emme
I shared this letter with my friend and was suprised when he said (knowing of my struggle with my self worth)..How did that make you feel?? My answer was WOW... Worth ALOT!
Isn't God amazing like that. He knows the depths of our heart..wants the VERY best for us. He goes before us. He knew that He would reveal this part of my life this week. He knew that I was struggling with the fact that I felt second best. Worth nothing much because of the pain of rejection that I've gone through. And He provided a moment with my precious child in front of an entire congregation of people and reminded me of how priceless I truely am. I believe there will be more moments in my life as He perfects this deep rooted rejection in my life. I want it gone. I want to be so secure in who I am so that I can love others not out of manipulation but the complete and total free love of Jesus! I'm so excited for what God is doing as painful as it is at times. He has a beautiful plan in it all.
God is writing the most amazing story of my life... I want HIM to be glorified in it and not me!
I also want to thank all the people who have spoken into my life. Because I am normally the one speaking into others, it's a hard place to be on the recieving end of it all. I hope that I can be just a tiny speck of encouragement back to you as you have been to me.
You are loved beyond measure just because you are! Oooh.. recent quote from a pastor in New Jersey... God wants to take the Am I's in our life and turn them into I Am.
YOU ARE HIS FAVORITE!!
Serveral months ago my husband of 13 years abandoned me and the girls suddenly to another state. He control alt deleted his life. Five years of friendships..13 years of happy marriage (or so I thought). He walked out on the ministry..No notice to anyone. Just left. I was devestated to say the least. It took two weeks for me to find out that he had left for another woman. Once that information was out..my rejection took on a whole new meaning. For 13 years I devoted everything I had to him. I prayed for him. Encouraged him. Loved him with my everything. No..we didn't have the perfect marriage, but I was the protector of his dreams. And I thought we were happy. His actions left me feeling completely worthless. Before he came along, I had already had years of dealing with rejection. My mom left when I was 12 years old. When I was in High School, I never had a boyfriend. I was awkward to say the least. I was not attractive, always longing to be wanted and cherished but never finding it. I was always the guys best friend. Everyone loved me "as a friend" never more. I could sing my heart and lungs out, but that was the extent of what was great about me. Or so I thought. I married a guy that was 7 years younger than me.
There are so many good things that have come from my pain and trial. I can't even begin to tell you all the good things God has done! Someone gave me a Jehoval Jirah (God my provider) journal to keep track of what God is doing along the way and i am writing in it. I have found so many unexpected friends as well.
Just this past week a new friend of mine caught a vision of me with a ball and chain around my waist. My friend said that there is something in the way of your complete healing. God wants to remove that thing in your way. Just a couple of days later I heard that the Christian music group, Selah, was going to be in town. I had to go because a good friend of mine from High School is a part of that group. At one point in the concert, Amy (singer) began to share a testimony of her struggle with her self esteem. She talked about not feeling beautiful or worth anything because of her struggle with her weight. I sooo understood her pain! I used to be very heavy. God freed me of my weight almost 5 years ago and I have kept it off. What remained was my low self worth. Yes I was happier..yes I felt beautiful again, but I was still a people pleaser. I was constantly looking for man's approval rather than God's. I realized that my self worth was the ball and chain around my waist and that God is now ready to free me of my need of man's approval.
I quickly shared this with my friend. I said that I felt like God has revealed the thing that I am struggling with- that ball and chain- low self esteem. For years I have been a lover of people. I love them.. I do! What God is showing me now is that I loved them out of my own pain (and it's not necessarily a bad thing)..I love people so that no one will ever experience the pain the same pain that I feel. I no longer want to love them from my pain.. I want to love them simply because they are God's creation. He has a perfect plan for those that choose to walk in His way. He wants more people to follow Him. For everyone to walk in freedom! I WANT to walk in complete freedom from my own hurts! I want to learn to love me for me! I feel like I'm beginning the process.
So it's Mother's Day.. I won Mother of the Year.
Here is the letter that Emme wrote...
I want to nominate my mom, Christy Short, for mother of the year because She loves me and is always there for me. She always helps me with my problems and when I am hurt she makes it better. I love her and help her when she is sick just like she does for me. We have alot of stuff like that..for example, I rub her back and she rubs mine. Even though she sometimes makes me mad, we always work it out. The best thing about her is that she has taught me about Jesus and to love Him. I really love my mom!
Emme
I shared this letter with my friend and was suprised when he said (knowing of my struggle with my self worth)..How did that make you feel?? My answer was WOW... Worth ALOT!
Isn't God amazing like that. He knows the depths of our heart..wants the VERY best for us. He goes before us. He knew that He would reveal this part of my life this week. He knew that I was struggling with the fact that I felt second best. Worth nothing much because of the pain of rejection that I've gone through. And He provided a moment with my precious child in front of an entire congregation of people and reminded me of how priceless I truely am. I believe there will be more moments in my life as He perfects this deep rooted rejection in my life. I want it gone. I want to be so secure in who I am so that I can love others not out of manipulation but the complete and total free love of Jesus! I'm so excited for what God is doing as painful as it is at times. He has a beautiful plan in it all.
God is writing the most amazing story of my life... I want HIM to be glorified in it and not me!
I also want to thank all the people who have spoken into my life. Because I am normally the one speaking into others, it's a hard place to be on the recieving end of it all. I hope that I can be just a tiny speck of encouragement back to you as you have been to me.
You are loved beyond measure just because you are! Oooh.. recent quote from a pastor in New Jersey... God wants to take the Am I's in our life and turn them into I Am.
YOU ARE HIS FAVORITE!!
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