Defining Moment

Being a creative personality, I've always had the natural ability to let my mind run away from me at times. So many times, I allow my thoughts to take me down an imaginary path. I have even been known to make up things in my head that are completely untrue and then that becomes my reality and I end up with this ridiculous thing called paranoia. Suddenly...the situation that has absolutely nothing to do with me, in my own head, has EVERYTHING to do with me. I then react out of what I have made up in my head, rather than what is the absolute truth. The completely embarassing part is when the truth is revealed and i have just made an absolute fool of myself! In the process of growing in Christ, I have asked Him to reveal anything that needs to be removed. In the past couple of weeks, He has been working in me in the area of my self worth. I, for quite some time have been someone who sooo seeks mans approval that I have allowed what people think of me to control and dictate who I am- who I have become. A yes man. Oh let me do that for you...it's a form of manipulation to get people to like me. Do you have any idea how messed up I feel right now? UGH!
God has been showing me that He wants my worth to be in HIM. It's ok to need people in my life. There is nothing wrong with that, but sooo many times I put people in the place in my heart that should and does only belong to God. I'm ready to let go.
At the very start of this year, God gave me a word. He said DISCOVER. I had no idea that He would begin to help me discover Christy for who HE see's Christy to be, for maybe the first time in my entire life!
Last night, I had an amazing conversation with my pastor and very dear friend Scott. He shared with me that maybe I have been allowing the situation that I am in to dictate who I am becoming. I have allowed the rejection that I have faced to shut me down to alot of my relationships..remember the thoughts in my head that are untrue..I'm allowing myself to believe that maybe it's not just my husband that wanted away from me.. it's alot of my close friends as well. In reality.. sometimes people don't know what to say or how to react so they say nothing. In my head... I'm looking at everyone who seems to be pulling away from me and thinking..well, its because shes suddenly... SINGLE... women protect your husbands from her.. men.. don't get near her.
What my pastor said to me instead was.. Christy.. I wish you could see yourself how others see you. Vibrant.. someone that others are drawn to.. fun..funny... full of the Lord, and a leader. I wish you could see yourself as Christ sees you! I was soo challenged and yet felt some freedom through what he said. Not because of the compliments he gave me, but more out of the truth of what he said to me.
I do want people to be drawn to me... not out of manipulation to get people to like me, but out of CHRIST IN ME! Shining out of me..that is my hope of all hopes.
Today, I went to my counceling session. I was telling my councelor about all of this.. what i am seeing in myself. What Jesus is showing me. Through the conversation that we had, we talked about my ability to sometimes be paranoid. To make up stuff in my head that isn't true. ANXIETY...just like Chloe. For those who don't know, I have a child that is dealing with extreme anxiety. Almost every single day we deal with some form of it from her. It runs in my family and I now see that I have been dealing with it for years. Anxiety.. fear..of rejection.. of being alone. The great news is that I am NOT nor will EVER EVER BE ALONE! Praise the Lord! I am finding myself, for the very first time without a man by my side to support me. I went from my dad's house to my husbands. I know that God knows my heart's desire is to have someone to love along the way, but for now I am to fall in love with Christ in Christy. To heal so that when that time comes to give my heart away.. it will be WHOLE.
This is a painful process. It's not easy to share with anyone and everyone my weakest spots, but my hope is that others might get freed from their own fears and begin to find their identity in Christ alone! In the end I want to love out of the overflow of what I have to give rather than manipulation of what I need. I refuse to allow myself to be defined by life's situations... I will be defined by who God say's I am. I AM.......... HIS.