The Paul Syndrome

^{Romans 8:14-16}I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

^21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Can I just be completely honest for a minute? Since this whole - my husband left me thing happened I've had an inner struggle... well lots of them, but one in particular. Yes, I've struggled with my self worth and yes, God is working on me in that area. Here's the thing... when I was a teenager, I've said it before, I wasn't someone that anyone wanted to date. I was a great friend, but I was very overweight. I was the girl everyone wanted to be friends with, but I never had the opportunity to date. Just never happened. By the time my husband came along, I had kissed two guys. That's it. Five years ago, I lost the weight. I'm now in the best shape of my entire life. I'm training to run a half marathon (well... about to. I just injured my toe). Anyway.. I can run at least 4 miles at this point in time. I feel beautiful for the first time and now... I'm single. I'm getting attention from men for the first time in my life, BUT.. I'm still married and I need to wait until I am divorced. What really sucks is the fact that my husband went from his house to another woman's and I am left alone. Night after night. For 13 years, I had intimacy. We had a very healthy relationship. He doesn't have to miss out on affection. He is continuing on with someone in his life and I, who never chose this road, am FORCED to be alone. Can I just say.. this is HARD! Ok, so I am a leader in the church. I am very thankful for that. I have boundries put out there for me. To protect me. I'm thankful for those healthy boundries, but sometimes.. I WANT to be bad. I'm writing this right now because I have an opportunity to choose. I can choose to wait on God. Wait for HIS best for me, or I can choose to do my own thing. To live in the moment. To feed my flesh. To feel good for a moment, but be left with regret. UGH!!!!!! This isn't fair. Like I said. I didn't choose this road. He did.

My question to myself is what's the hurry? I think it's because I want to test drive my new body. I see how men respond to me. I won't lie... it feels awesome. It feels great to feel wanted and beautiful. I can look in the mirror and like what I see, but what is soooo important to me is that I respect myself. That I treat what God has given me (my body, soul, and spirit) as a prize. That I respect the man that God has for me in the future NOW, so that when I stand before him one day, I can say- I thought enough of you that I didn't ruin what God wants for the two of us by putting pictures in my head of other men that I had been with before you. My flesh has some MAJOR desires right now. But I love God within me enough to deny my flesh. To say yes to my spirit. I want to be able to stand up on Sunday morning and lead worship with my head held high knowing that God has called me to a higher place in Him and I am strong enough to deny myself and BE God's best for someone who deserves God's best as well. This is also for my two little girls. We had a talk about boys just last night. They are about to start middle school. We are going to discover boys together. LOL. I want to teach them to be God's best. I am bound and determined to break this cycle of divorce in my family. I was trying to with this marriage, but I didn't get any say so in the matter. I am going to try my best to teach my girls what respect of yourself looks like and the prize that we get in the end if we do. My hope is that they stay close to me during their teen years. That I model to them what being a Godly woman looks like. I'm crying as I write these words. I have a HUGE task before me. Raising two teenage girls to hopefully be in love with Jesus. God help me here!

What's your struggle? God can help you. He wants to show you that you are strong enough.
He never said it would be easy. He did say that you won't go this road alone.

He is insanely in love with you!!!!!! You're worth a TON!

Say goodbye to the dumb blonde

I am continuing to discover Christy. Just last week, I had some pretty big AhhhHaa moments. I've been processing through what I've realized and I'm now ready to write it down.
There have been moments along the way in this journey of mine that I have made some pretty "boneheaded" decisions.. That was the exact word from a very good friend of mine (and boss). He's like a brother to me and is trying to look out for my best interest. Anyway.... it was from this "boneheaded" decision that I made, that God decided to reveal the next thing to me that He wanted to show me. Many of you know me as happy-go-lucky. I am.. I enjoy a good time. I LOVE to laugh. And for years, I have been known as a dumb blonde. My husband used to love to laugh at my stupidity. Several weeks ago, I acted out in my dumb blonde fashion and got myself in a little bit of trouble. It was just a non thinking moment in time and I paid for it.
I've never really seen myself as very smart. I went to a small college, but I wasn't disciplined and I only made it through two years. I was only interested in singing. I wasn't ambitious at all. I eventually quit college and went to work full time as an optician. My mom left me and my dad and brother when i was 12 years old. My dad did the best he could with me. The best thing was that he kept me in church. Yes... I've been abandoned by people that I love- twice now. Life has not been easy for me, but I have a choice on how I will respond. I can choose to be bitter, OR I can be someone who walks in forgiveness. Sure it hurts, but I choose to be happy. I choose to be free. I choose to allow God to use the tragedies in my life for His good.
Anyway.. I was sharing my most recent "dumb blonde" moment with a friend. I was also sharing with her that sometimes I feel like I will never be more than "just a secretary". Ok... so let me just say this. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with that position. I mean.. goodness.. it is an INCREDIBLY important position, but I guess for years, I have had a desire to be more. For now though... I must embrace what i am. I am an assistant to worship ministries. I am ALSO a worship leader and I am INCREDIBLY lucky to get to do what I love to do, but I believe that God has more for me and it's time to stop seeing myself as a "dumb blonde" and take the steps to do what it is that God has ultimately called me to do. For two years now, I have been leading worship at my church- one of three campuses. Anyway.. in my band, I have a doctor, a lawyer, and the COO of a hospital. And God said to be their leader. UGH??!!! I have been completely intimidated by them. I'm a nobody. How do I lead them? They are all so smart. What I began to realize last week was that I CAN lead them. I know worship. I know what it looks like to connect with the God of the UNIVERSE. I mean.. that's kinda HUGE right? Being a leader means nothing more than influencing someone else. I think for the first time in my life, I realized that I am a leader. I can influence those around me to have a deeper walk with the Lord.
I suppose that I'm discovering that I am smart after all. There is a shift in my thinking. God wants me to see me as HE sees me. I can do ALL ALL ALL things through Christ..according to Phillipians 4:13. I am going to begin to believe God. What about you? How do you see yourself? Ask God today for His eyes for you. What is it that you don't think you can do? He wants you to discover more.
I'm sure that it may take a minute or two for me to get your joke at times... I won't lie... I'm slow at times. It just takes me longer to process what you've said. But I'm not a dumb blonde. In FACT... I'm a redhead. I have a blonde streak in my hair.. and THAT is from my hairdresser. LOL.

You are loved beyond measure by the creator of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!!

Doris...a gift to me

One of the wonderful things that I have discovered along the way of this ridiculous journey of mine is the gift of new friends to me. There is a lady at my church. Her name is Doris and she is the GREATEST woman. This lady is no stranger to pain. She has allowed God to use her pain to love others along the way. She is someone who just simply puts others before herself.
She stepped into my life right after my husband left and has become a vital part of it! She has loved my girls and quickly become the favorite lady in their life. Let me just tell you a little of what she has done for us....
Knowing that I had band practice to get ready for worship each week, she would come to my house, bring dinner for the girls, and take care of them so I could focus on ministry. She did this every single week, and every night that I would come home, she would have laundry going, cleaned, and the girls would be in bed. She made my load soooo much lighter!
I had the very best mother's day this year than i ever ever have had because of this lady! Doris lives by the James River and she took my girls down to the James River and they did a little photo shoot. On mother's day, I got a picture frame with four pictures of my beautiful girls. Doris had them write all over the back of the picture what I meant to them. It is the MOST precious gift that I think I've ever gotten.
Before I went on vacation this year, Doris sent me coupons and sent the girls some spending money. She also sent me some little encouraging booklets to keep in my purse with me. She is such a gift to me.
The reason that I wanted to write about her today is because Doris lost her mother last night to alzeheimers. On Friday night, I got a call from Doris to tell me that she was on her way to see her because she had taken a turn for the worse. In her selfless heart, Doris called me. She called me to encourage me to keep on. To keep influencing my girls. To stay strong despite my pain. She knew how hard it was for me suddenly raising my girls without a father. Here it was, her mother was dying, and Doris called to encourage me!!! I'm crying at the very idea of that thought. She is an absolute gift from God to me right now. I hope that I can be that kind of encouragement to someone else along the way. I want to learn to be selfless like Doris. To give of myself completely so that others may live. My prayer for you is that you have a Doris in your life. Everyone needs someone like her!

I love you with all of my heart Doris Birdsong! You are a shining example of God's love in this dark world.

Beautiful Sunsets

I enjoyed my run on Monday sooo much during lunch that I decided to go again. This time, I went to my favorite running spot at the lake. I was kinda hoping to hear God speak to me again. As I ran I had my ipod speakers on full blast..or close to it anyway. Worship was happening as I ran. So as I ran I sang to Him. There was a certain song that came on and the lyrics were "This is for you, for all you've done for me and I wanted to show you how much you mean, My God." As I ran I began singing that to Jesus with all of my might. I'm getting healthy for You God. I want to run and live my life out loud to make You proud, Lord! I kept running and the sun was setting. The trees around the lake are full of leaves right now because it's summer. Because of that you can't always see the lake fully.
I have ALWAYS been a fan.. BIG fan of sunsets and sunrises. I love the colors across the sky especially at night. Each sky is different. Never ever the same. God is the MOST amazing artist and I have taught my children to appreciate sunsets as well. Anyway... I am running and I rounded the corner around some trees with the lake full in view... the song in my ears.. I heard the Lord say.."This is for YOU for all you've done for me and I wanted to show YOU how much you mean to me"......I looked across the lake and the reflection of the sky was PURPLE, RED, BLUE ..... BRILLIANT! I gasped. I knew that God had me running at the lake that night to show me the sunset...to say to me.. Christy.. I love you. I'm proud of you. You dont' have to be perfect. I don't expect you to be perfect. I just want you to keep living. Keep going. I'm going to give you your heart's desires and sooo much more! There's sooo much I want to do in you. I want you to shine for ME!
God is such an amazing father. Despite the fact that my girls have a father who has abandoned them... I will do whatever it takes to SHINE God for my children. To show them that sometimes we have unexpected things along the way but if we allow God to control our lives, we don't have to live in fear, but expectation that God will take that unexpected thing and turn it into something amazing and wonderful and beyond our dreams!
I look forward to tomorrow. In the meantime... I'm off for another run.

I don't know what you are facing... but look to the sky. You may see clouds coming your way, but check out the way God will turn those clouds into the most beautiful painting when the sun shines on them!

And just like that.. a little boost!

I just want to say how different I feel right now compared to what I felt like waking up this morning. I know that I had been feeling some depression hitting me. I didn't want it. I wanted to feel like sunshiny Christy again. I had a long talk this morning with my friend Wynne. He said some things that really freed my mind. Christy.. You are normal. You've been given a terrible blow. What you are feeling is completely normal. YET.. I was longing to feel happy. To feel free again. I thought that maybe if I went for a run at lunch, I would feel better, so I did. You know what? As I ran, I felt God speak to me. I think I had been struggling with whether or not I was suppose to be leading worship right now. I've been second guessing myself alot lately. As I ran, I felt the Lord speaking to me. Don't listen to those voices of doubt Christy. I was looking to the sky as I ran. There was worship playing on my ipod, and I heard God say.. I've called you to lead worship Christy. Don't you dare quit! Keep your eyes on me Christy. I'm going to lead you along the way. I ran 2 short miles, but I felt sooo much better. I felt stronger. I felt happy. I don't know if it was the endorphins that had been released as I exercised or if it was the fact that I had heard from God today. When I came back inside to work, God did another thing. I was looking for bumper videos for next week's message. I came across a story. Two farmers were praying for rain. It had not rained in a long time. Only one of the farmers actually prepared his fields for the rain that would eventually come that he was praying for. My spirit leapt within me as soon as I heard that! God spoke again to me... I want you to be preparing your fields Christy. I want you to be doing eveything possible to get healthy Christy because I have your blessing coming to you. It's not going to be a long way off either. I feel that with everything in me! I believe that the enemy knows this as well. He wants me to be distracted on all the wrong things. He wants me to think about my pain. He wants me to be depressed. Oh yes.. I'm going to feel it. I'm going to feel the rejection and pain of my situation. I mean.. I was married for 13 years after all. But God wants to know that BIGGER things... BETTER things are coming to me.
This morning I told Wynne that I guess, I just wanted something to look forward to. I know that it's coming. I just have to keep making it through each day. I'd just rather be laughing along the way than crying. Sooo... I choose today to believe God. I choose to smile. And I hope that my smile will shatter the darkness in someone else's world along the way.
I can't wait to lead worship this Sunday. WOW!!! I think it was yesterday that I yelled in my bedroom... "I don't want to be a worship leader"....what a change. That's just like God though.
He wants his kids to be happy...just like I do!

I love you!

Joy Comes in the Morning

I recently got a new CD online for my Itunes music. There is a song on the album..title of it, in fact. It's called Your Love Never Fails. I keep listening to it over and over. There is a section of the chorus that says There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. And when the Ocean's rage.. I don't have to be afraid because I know that you love me. Your love never fails. That line just keeps going over and over in my head. There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning.
I think I'm entering into a new phase in this journey. Anger. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I'm Christy... I love everyone! I give the shirt off my back so that others might have something to wear. I'm faithful. I'm loyal! I DON'T GET IT??!!! I now hear stories as my girls come home of how much fun they had with their Daddy and his girlfriend. Stories of things she made for them to eat. The fun places they went. How she fixed their hair for them. I know I'm gonna have to get used to this new part of my life, but it's hard not to think about when I come home night after night alone. Longing for someone's arms to be around me. To tell me that I am worth loving. I keep thinking about the fact that he lied to me. Making me believe that I was worth everything to him and then SUDDENLY..gone. Yesterday I wanted to stay in bed all day. I wanted to hide. I wanted to sink into depression, but I didn't. I remember the words. God wants me to LIVE! Get out of that bed Christy. You are gonna conquer this thing. You are gonna continue to put one foot in front of the other. I loaded the girls, and their friend, in the car and we went to Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens. It was 4th of July and free day. It was beautiful! It was fun! We took the camera and took a ton of fun pictures. I let the girls play in a fountain with a bunch of kids. As they played, I journaled. I got my emotions out. I have to keep going. I can't quit. I can't give up. I have to show my girls what Courage looks like even when I'm not sure myself. I have to stay steady so my girls can continue to be little girls. I want them to look back at this time in their life and know that God was all around them!
I had a talk with my friend Jack today - he said that it's like God is only giving me a flashlight along the way, because if he were to shine the light on what is coming my way... all the good.. I might explode. It would be too much for me to take in. Anyway..Jack..He's all too familiar with pain. It's a different kind of pain than I'm going though, but it's still hard and he should not be living today! For me, there has been joy along the way. God has given me a couple of friends who seriously crack me up! One works in the office beside mine. THANK GOD FOR TODD! He has the joy of the Lord and it's completely contagious! God has strategically placed me in the office beside him so I can catch His joy when I get too focused on my circumstance. The other is an unexpected friend that I happened to gain BECAUSE of my husband leaving. This friend will call at night... the hardest part of my day it seems, and I will end up laughing so hard that my face literally hurts! I can't thank God enough for the gift of both of these people in my life!!!
Soo many times I've asked God to fast forward me to this time next year.. but He says no. There is so much that he wants me to discover about me along the way..from here to next year. That can only come in the victory and failures in each day. Sooo I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and will continue to look for the Joy to come in the morning. For this pain in the night to pass. God continues to write this amazing story of my life. I just want to make Him proud along the way and LAUGH alot despite it!

You are God's favorite and don't you forget it! What is He doing in you? Are you even looking for Him in your day?
You are very very loved!