The Paul Syndrome

^{Romans 8:14-16}I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.

^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

^21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Can I just be completely honest for a minute? Since this whole - my husband left me thing happened I've had an inner struggle... well lots of them, but one in particular. Yes, I've struggled with my self worth and yes, God is working on me in that area. Here's the thing... when I was a teenager, I've said it before, I wasn't someone that anyone wanted to date. I was a great friend, but I was very overweight. I was the girl everyone wanted to be friends with, but I never had the opportunity to date. Just never happened. By the time my husband came along, I had kissed two guys. That's it. Five years ago, I lost the weight. I'm now in the best shape of my entire life. I'm training to run a half marathon (well... about to. I just injured my toe). Anyway.. I can run at least 4 miles at this point in time. I feel beautiful for the first time and now... I'm single. I'm getting attention from men for the first time in my life, BUT.. I'm still married and I need to wait until I am divorced. What really sucks is the fact that my husband went from his house to another woman's and I am left alone. Night after night. For 13 years, I had intimacy. We had a very healthy relationship. He doesn't have to miss out on affection. He is continuing on with someone in his life and I, who never chose this road, am FORCED to be alone. Can I just say.. this is HARD! Ok, so I am a leader in the church. I am very thankful for that. I have boundries put out there for me. To protect me. I'm thankful for those healthy boundries, but sometimes.. I WANT to be bad. I'm writing this right now because I have an opportunity to choose. I can choose to wait on God. Wait for HIS best for me, or I can choose to do my own thing. To live in the moment. To feed my flesh. To feel good for a moment, but be left with regret. UGH!!!!!! This isn't fair. Like I said. I didn't choose this road. He did.

My question to myself is what's the hurry? I think it's because I want to test drive my new body. I see how men respond to me. I won't lie... it feels awesome. It feels great to feel wanted and beautiful. I can look in the mirror and like what I see, but what is soooo important to me is that I respect myself. That I treat what God has given me (my body, soul, and spirit) as a prize. That I respect the man that God has for me in the future NOW, so that when I stand before him one day, I can say- I thought enough of you that I didn't ruin what God wants for the two of us by putting pictures in my head of other men that I had been with before you. My flesh has some MAJOR desires right now. But I love God within me enough to deny my flesh. To say yes to my spirit. I want to be able to stand up on Sunday morning and lead worship with my head held high knowing that God has called me to a higher place in Him and I am strong enough to deny myself and BE God's best for someone who deserves God's best as well. This is also for my two little girls. We had a talk about boys just last night. They are about to start middle school. We are going to discover boys together. LOL. I want to teach them to be God's best. I am bound and determined to break this cycle of divorce in my family. I was trying to with this marriage, but I didn't get any say so in the matter. I am going to try my best to teach my girls what respect of yourself looks like and the prize that we get in the end if we do. My hope is that they stay close to me during their teen years. That I model to them what being a Godly woman looks like. I'm crying as I write these words. I have a HUGE task before me. Raising two teenage girls to hopefully be in love with Jesus. God help me here!

What's your struggle? God can help you. He wants to show you that you are strong enough.
He never said it would be easy. He did say that you won't go this road alone.

He is insanely in love with you!!!!!! You're worth a TON!