Tonight I just have some deep thoughts going through my head. It kinda all started this morning. I woke up feeling like I was under some kind of attack.. like I just needed to get control of my mind. I am in this battle over worrying about what people think of me. I know that it stems from rejection that I have faced in my life, however, I know that God has done an amazing work in my life in the area of my self worth and so I had a decision to make. My decision was to get the running clothes on and take off despite the 25 degree tempurature outside. As I always do, I run and think and pray. This morning was no different and I was sooo loving the crispness of the air. I began to think about the fact that I am living a life to be obedient to the Lord. Just last night I died to yet another area in my life that I had been kinda holding onto. It was a place where I was getting alot of attention from and even though I had not been responding to that attention for months... it felt really good just to be noticed. Last night.. I ended it. I made the decision to not need anyone's approval of me... only God's.
This morning, as I ran, I asked myself a very hard question...why are you trying to live your life in such a way to please God?? Why are you doing EVERYTHING you know to do in order to make God proud of You?? I stepped back and took a very hard look at myself...am I doing all of this so that I can get something from God?? Am I living a right and righteous life so that I can get a blessing out of it?? And I think...maybe. But also because I do love JESUS with all my heart, BUT... I think some of the things I've been doing have been out of manipulation to Him so that I can get something good from Him. I used to do this with people. I'll do for you so that you will be my friend and love me back...I'm past that now!!! I now love people just because they are worth loving. I love because of what I have to give, not out of my need for love. I don't ever want to treat God this way. Sooooo...today..I am choosing to live for Him and be obedient to Him not so that I can get anything from Him... just because He's worthy!! I want to obey Him because I'm insanely in love with Him! YES.. I do believe that He knows my greatest heart's desires. I know that He loves to give His kids good gifts. He has given us promises in His word for all of these things, but my prayer is that I will no longer try and manipulate God and try and please Him so I can get anything out of it but simply because I love Him.
Psalm 139 : 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
I have been praying this prayer lately. I believe that when you pray like this.. God will reveal Himself to you. I believe that He wanted to show me that part of my life. I NEVER EVER want to be a manipulative person. I just want people to feel loved when I am around..God's love.
What about you?? Have you asked God to search you? He will.. He will reveal Himself to you if you will ask for it. He has an amazing plan for your life but more than His plan... He just wants t spend time with you. Choose to love on Him today..not because of what you need...just because He's WORTH IT!!!
I love you!
Christy Joy
