My INNER Girlfriend

I don't really know where to start with this blog except to say that I'm falling in love with Jesus more than I ever imagined or dreamed that I would! I've just put the little lovely ladies to bed and I'm looking back at the past couple of days and shaking my head. I'm left speechless..in a very good way. My birthday was Friday and I was NOT looking forward to that one in particular, however, it ended up being a REALLY great day. There was one moment in that day that kinda started off this explosion within my head and heart. It started with a prayer and a word from God and a look into a mirror at myself. God wanted me to see myself through HIS eyes. Before I say anything else let me tell you this....Just last Tuesday our staff had this amazing prayer time. We shared what we personally needed prayer for. WELL.. I think somebody must have prayed for me on what I shared cause here God is ALREADY answering me on this one! Here was what I shared....this has been the most challenging and MOST amazing year of my entire life. I am more free today and sure of myself than I ever have been in my WHOLE life! If I could go back and change anything, I wouldn't because it's put me in such a close place of intimacy with Jesus and knowing Him like this just makes me want to know Him more. I then said this.... I DO NOT LIKE BEING SINGLE! I don't like doing this alone or not being able to go hang out with my mom or my dad or a family member and just be Christy sometimes. Sometimes I just need no one to need me. There have been times that I would find myself staying at work on Friday night at the very latest that I could because I have NOTHING to look forward to on the weekend. I asked them to pray that I would be patient and and that He would take this longing to have someone so badly away from me... that I would fall into contentment with where I am at and fall deeper in Love with Jesus. Sooo... back to Friday and the word from God..I was told that I am EXACTLY at the right place that He has me to be and to stop needing a husband so badly. There was sooo much more that I needed to hear that was said, and I ended up in tears as I often do when I spend time with this new friend of mine. That night, I went out to dinner with my girls and a friend of ours and laughed. She took them home with her for the night and I then went to Barnes and Noble bookstore and got coffee...Here it was my BIG FAT BIRTHDAY and I was alone.... and COMPLETELY HAPPY to be (God ALREADY at work)! I knew that I was loved- my facebook page was FULL of beautiful birthday wishes but there was yet ANOTHER shift happening inside of my brain. Tonight... I'm REALLY liking this shift-
My inner sister (she's a black girl and related to TD Jakes- lol) is telling me tonight this- GIRLFRIEND- Don't you EVER allow a man to define your happiness! That hole in your heart Ain't MAN sized! Don't you EVER allow a man to fill a hole that ONLY God can fill! Stop focusing so much on your FEELINS- it ain't about FEELIN- it's about sooo much more than that! Christy Joy- You keep saying that you don't want to be in a relationship with someone out of NEED but rather out of what you have to GIVE- are you willing to pay the price for that?? Well Girlfriend... it's time to start living and acting like you don't NEED anyone! Get out there and enjoy LIVING- You've already been doing a good job, but you can do better! Stop lookin and focusing on what everybody else has and realize that ALOT of people are looking at YOU right now and saying...that is ONE lucky lady right now! She don't have to worry bout makin NO man happy! She can start all over and do whatever she wants.. become whoever it is that God wants her to be...she can GO wherever the heck she wants and she ain't got to answer to nobody. I don't want to hear NO MORE how you didn't choose to be single..waaa waaa waaaa... ain't nothin you can to do change it! Take a look around you TODAY...stop worrying about what may or may not happen tomorrow. Look at all the smells and sights and all that you can touch TODAY Being so focused on what you DON'T have or being too tomorrow focused might make you miss something AMAZING that God has for you GIRL! You got these two little girls watching you and they are IN LOVE with you.. You have the opportunity to show them how to BE God's Best and to be a POWERHOUSE and you are doing a FANTASTIC job at it (yes that is called a pat on the back for myself ;) BUT you can teach them MORE... they are at an age where they are asking alot of questions and YOU..girlfriend...need to be the one teaching them! In the meantime...I know you have desires in your heart... YES.. they will come, but stop focusing on those desires and fall in love COMPLETELY with the one who put them there in the first place! You wanna be God's BEST right?? Soooo few are willing to pay that price to be the best but NOT YOU CHRISTY JOY! You can do ALL ALL ALL THINGS through CHRIST...Show the world what a REAL woman of God looks like! You have the ability to influence ALOT of people for HIM...You have the Mind of Christ according to 1 Cor. 2:16 DON'T you DARE allow the enemy to defeat you girl! Now... Get your butt out there and LIVE!
WHEW!!! Can I get a witness up in here???!! LOOK OUT! You might wanna get outta my way or jump in with me on this one! I'm planning on CLAIMING my year of JOY! (I kinda already had)... but tonight.. I'm feelin really glad that I have a God who I know is sittin up in Heaven shakin His head laughin at me tonight and sayin to Himself...FINALLY... I think she's FINALLY gettin it- BOUT TIME.

OVERWHELMED

OVERWHELMED. That's the feeling that I have this morning as I look out the window. March 1st will forever be one of the most significan days in my life. It was March 1st 1991 that the Holy Spirit got a hold of me and it was March 1st, 2009 that my husband of 13 years abandoned my daughters and I and NOW..it's March 1st 2010 and I'm waking up with JOY. The reason why I have JOY is because of the choice I made to allow God to lead me on this journey, and because I have, I have never been more free and healthy in all of my life! God has touched me in areas that I didn't even realize needed healing. I think my life was like a wall that was built without a plumbline. I believe that the foundation has always been Jesus, BUT there were bricks of rejection and insecurity and other elements that were not part of Him that allowed my wall to lean or be jagged. On March 1st, one year ago, my wall came crashing down around me and it was then that I told the Lord.. PLEASE... if You are going to put me back together, will You please heal every area in my life that is not of You? Give me YOUR identity and Yours alone. Today.. the wall of my life is being built with a plumbline so that it will not fall again.
I'm laughing as I think back over this year. As hard as it was.. I had a GREAT time! It was full of really great moments! I had the BEST summer vacation of my entire life with the girls in St. Augustine Florida! Soooo many nights on the phone with new friends laughing til my face hurt. A TON of brand new friends and healed relationships. Celebrating Father's Day with MY Daddy (one of my biggest cheerleaders!) and soooo very thankful that he showed me what the love of God looks like. Tranining and running a half marathon when it seemed impossible to do and how God revealed Himself to me on Sooooo many of those runs, helping me to discover a strength inside of me that I NEVER imagined I could have. Celebrating Thanksgiving with my mom and the realization that our relationship was strained for the past 13 years because of someone standing in the way between us and the healing that I believe took place. FUN TIMES IN PHILADELPHIA! TODD RICHARDSON and the MANY MANY MANY days (and I am choking back tears as I write this) that I could not see the computer at my desk through the tears of brokeness and running to the bathroom only for Todd to make me laugh or remind me of how far I've come and that I'm making it! A swarm of pastors who spoke into my life on so many different occasions and one campus pastor who cried with me and allowed me to lean on him and who spoke the truth, in love, to me. I can't thank God enough for allowing me to work in the place that I do. The support and accountability that I received was and still is AMAZING!
McKinny SUNSHINE and new adventures.... the name Christy Joy that was given to me because I allowed God to heal me and not run away from Him. Monster Truck Rally's, floating down the James River, Countless Photoshoots with my girls and being VERY silly!
It was MY beautiful daughters who held me one year ago today as I was doubled over and sobbing over a trash can in the kitchen. It was them that gave me strength to go on LIVING. It was them who made me laugh first. We had a huge snow storm last year on March 1st. It was then that they said... COME PLAY in the snow with us Mommy. Come laugh with us. Get out of the house and Live with us! We're gonna be ok cause we have each other. My daughters are the greatest gift of God that I have ever recieved! No it's not been easy to be a single mom, to be completely broken and still have to try and heal us all, BUT God is good like that. His strength is PERFECT when our strength is GONE. Today... I'm whole. I know who I am in Christ. Like I said before.. I've discovered Christ in Christy. I look in the mirror today and know the reflection that I see is HIS. Beautiful. I want MORE of HIm than I ever have before. I want others to know that YOU CAN MAKE IT! THere is NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING that you Can't do when You allow God to have control. Today I'm ALIVE. I'm LIVING the most amazing life! It's my year of JOY and I'm OVERWHELMED by His UNENDING LOVE!

Cling to Jesus... allow Him to write your story. Allow Him to have the pen and sit back and be AMAZED! I hope you laugh today!!
WOW.

You are worth loving and I love you.

Christy JOY